Spoilt relationships.

I am not sure I will be back to Australia as soon as I wished. I am at a loss by now.
Mixed feelings have taken the place of my strong determination.
In fact I don't know what to do.
I spent these last two years living in a dream.
Marty and the Bojangles mastered my life and my everyday preoccupations. But, now, what am I going to do ? I guess I have lost a friend and someone even said Marty never was a friend.
Hard to believe though.
It is true I have been puzzled for months by the change that occured in his behavior last April.
He has stopped calling my name since then and worse, hung up each time I tried to have him on the phone. I just wanted to know if he had got the two last parcels I had sent him, not in my mind wanting to bother him with more.
I still don't know the fate of these two, but a letter with an article on the Aussie rugby team in my place during the last World Cup was returned to me, not at this address. Well I redirected it to his personal address, just to see whether he had got it and refused to take it, or if he had never had been given that one.
Amazingly he seemed to try to keep in touch though, even lately, playing my songs as he got the requests. He even mentioned on the mike a few sports events I was talking about on sending my requests. I had in mind and told him I would carry on doing as if all was as previous and would be satisfied by it.
But as I was expressing my doubts about his having got the letter, his boss sent me an e-mail saying it was clear Marty didn't want to build up a friendship as I had done with Dan.
She wants to protect her employees from any form of harassment. It was hard for me to read all that.
Marty was the one who paid much attention to me even before I was back in Australia for the second time. He has a strange attitude staying away from town as I was there for a fortnight. He had doubts about what Iwas expecting from him, just a DJ doing his job. Lol ! I was not expecting anything, just eager to meet someone who had been so nice and so caring.
Back home he was the one who started the e-mailing telling me so much about his private life.
We enjoyed some wonderful moments together watching the sports events of the time.
Everyday brought us closer and I let him know about some painful experiences I had in my past, and my present worries.
Each time I was feeling depressed I knew I could rush to him. He never let me down at that time.
The e-mailing went to an end due to his boss, as he said to me and I believed him. Dan said they were not allowed to use the computer at work for personal matters. Easy to understand.
Was it just that he was pulling out of the relationship with me ? I was left wondering, especially when he said to me on the phone he had got a new girlfriend. It was of no consequence for me though.
We resumed as we used to do before my visit to his place. It was hard at first for I was still expectine an e-mail from him as before, but slowly I took the habit again of listening carefully to what he said, looking for the tleast hint concerning me. And I must say I was much cared of with songs.
I acted silly though thinking I has found someone in LA who could take Marty's place. I was so naive. I met on the web a cheater, an ex-gangster, someone to be avoided by any means. I rushed back to my first shelter, but by then things changed all of a sudden. Why ?
I thought of the influence of a new girlfriend, of his brother's now living by him, but not of the boss.
What I learnt last week is that the boss had her part behind the scene.
May be Marty realized he had gone too far and backed from this relationship of two years. He may just want to secure his job and that doesn't mean he is not in the same mood as previous. It is my husband's opinion. The latter even mentioned an act of jealousy. Hard to believe, but why not ?
The boss said she reads all that I write while sending my requests. I just can't let my thoughts out as before.
I sent e-mails to Marty's house, but I am not sure he read them. He has never replied me and won't, that I know. Coward as men can be in such situations.
It is rude though not letting me know if he had got the parcels I sent months ago.
Worse, I need my hours in his company, but it will be hard listening to him without saying anything.
I will have to be patient, I guess. Wait and see !

Spoilt Relationships.

November 19th, 2007.

I have not been writing for long. Just because I was not in the mood.
I spent hours everyday chatting with the girl in Canada. She wanted to know more of Jesse, but , in fact, she was abusing me at imes for she knows more than me about this man. She is totally blined by love and doesn't want to follow my advice, though she keeps asking for them.
I had a break during summer for she went to Chili on holidays. On her coming back home she said she was no longer allowed by her boss to chat at work. It seemed I heard that excuse more than once from my friends. First, Marty. Then Jesse. Now Kathy.
The latter said she would use e-mails instead and didn't send any.
I was having wonderful moments, being wih my daughter for 5 weeks, going to the beach and having friends from Paris visiting us. So not hearing from Kathy was of no bother.
Before she left for Chili I answered one of her questions on Q&A Jesse saw. He blocked my access to his account following this. As he has another account and seemed to use it during these summer weeks, I could still find out what was on his mind at that time.
But he is not using it by now and Kathy made her Q&A private for weeks. Thus I couldn't check the veracity of their words. I got mad and decided it was time to move on from these two.
Unfortunately Kathy resumed her chatting every evening as I would have liked to watch TV and relax after a visit to the Bojangles on the web. But she seems to understand I am not in the mood of replying her much , and she is not bothering me as previous. She said she spent a week-end in LA with a friend to meet Jesse and that the relationship has grown stronger since.
Well, my mind went back to Australia and I have met two new ladies there, Erica and Marcya.
One is 36 and having a divorce from her 10 year younger husband. Worse she had breast cancer and the latter left her for another woman when she was having her second chemo. She is living in Bunbery, south of Perth. Now the cancer is into her liver and she is again on chemo. She has less time left for me and that I can understand.
Marcya lived in Nebo on the mining fields of Queensland. Her job over she is back home in Mareeba, near Cairns where her three sons live. She is 51 and separated from her mate on going back home. He too was ten years younger. Lol !
I made up my mind to stick to Australia again, but things turned so badly between Marty and I.
His Xmas present was returned to me in April and I sent it back. As I was getting no news from Marty and as he seemed ignoring me as in the worst days of our relationship, I decided to phone him and ask about the present. The first time he said he was busy and couldn't talk. The webcam was not on and on having it roll I could see Marty was with a new DJ, expalining him the job.
I had fears this one should take his place. In fact he did the job for two days. But, no, he is working on the radio by now.
I decided t wait for a few days before calling again.
Marty did as if he was not hearing me, and I saw him put down the phone set on the console, leaving me shouting hello in no use. I saw him talk with a man and thought the latter ghad disturbed him.
I tried again later on and, this time, on hearing me say "Mary's calling", he just hung up !!!
What a shock ! It was in June.
I spent a few days in Paris and was waiting for Laure's visit. I tried to forget about all this and for a while just went to Bo's on the web when Dan was there. I refrained from sending anything to Marty when he was at Bo's for a few weeks, but he seemed to try and pay attention to me through songs, I resumed as previous. Dan got his birthday gift late in June and thanked me. He is always nice to me that one !!!
Marty seemed to be with me playing my favorite songs as he was getting my requests. But one day he was with a girl, hugging and kissing in front of the camera. He had never done that before and I got a real shock ! Previous he had mentioned a girlfriend named Stacy. It seemed he was no longer with Clare.
I answered him I found his behaviour silly if that was the reason why he was ignoring me and acted so rudely towards me. He kept doing it for a while and, then again, came back as before with the songs.
His trick at that time was to play Bob Sinclar as he knew of me being tuned, followed by Paris Avenue. It was like a code. As I was busy with friends and enjoying summertime and the beach, I was less at the computer. I remembered how last year Marty didn't appreciate my going to the beach instead of being with him till his leaving Bo's. But things had changed so much by then !
I thought of myself silly carrying on sending requests and telling him about my everyday life.
He had not sent me an e-mail till the last one early Nov.2006. He had stopped speaking to me on his mike nor called my name since April ... I feared the upcoming wintertime knowing I would have to spend so many hours listening to Bo's.
In September, just as in 2006, his brother arrived in Alice Springs. I was happy to welcome him, but instead he ignored me. Lol ! When I think how last year he wanted to say hello to me on arriving. He did the job for Marty for a few days and I feraed he would take the place of that one at the console. I talked to him sending e-mails, hoping he would reply, but no. That too hurt me.
I think Steve has found a job in the Alice. Last year Marty told me his brother might do the job for him at Bo's, but it didn't work apparently. This time neither. Thanks God ! But it seems as if Steve didn't return to Sydney this time. I don't know what he is doing though.
around that time Marty started to play my requests as soon as he got them dedicating them to a "chérie" or was it Sheryl ? It lasted for a whole week. I was wondering if there could be another girl in the world asking for the same songs at the same momemt. Erica, Marcya and even Pierre, said he was meaning me. Who knows ! Stacy vanished and he has never mentioned this girl since July.
The Rugby World Cup Started with matches played in Montpellier by the Aussies who were accomodated here for the whole length of the tournament. I gave Marty some results. He even tried and reply me speaking of soccer and rugby, but again without calling my name. He played my songs for a French lady listening on th eweb, or by request, or for the French , or almost anything but Mary.
I had a strange feeling one evening watching France vs Italy in soccer.: Marty was by my side.
The following day he said he woke up early to watch that match ! Lol ! I thought I was back into the last World Cup of 2006.
I knew his birthday was coming soon and as he was paying attention to me in his own way, I bought two sweaters for him and sent him two cards, one for him and one for his brother. They were born on the same day. I was still ignoring if he had got his Xmas present. But well, he was looking so nice by the time !!!
Then I decided to phone him to know abot the parcel. I thought his bad mood of Spring was well over and that I could take the chance to chat with him on the phone. He did again as if he was not hearing me and just hung up again. I called Dan who could speak for a while even saying he would make his own enquiry and write me an e-mail. In fact he never did it....
I then phoned Marty anew expecting he would speak this time. He did telling me he was too busy for a cht and was not in the mood of talking about the parcel. He hung up again leaving me hurt and despairing.
I wrote to him I was hurt by his rude behaviour and that I thought better iof him.
I stopped for a while writing to him, but made up my mind on letting him know I was no fool and that I knew of his ignoring me for months. I said I was just pretending all was as before and would stil do it.
So I send his requests with messages as I have been doing for over two years.
Suddenly I noticed he was wearing a black strap on his wrist. I still can figure out what it is. I sent a braclet as a Xmas present: a black rubber one. He had not been wearing anything for all these past months. But after my last call and what I told him he stopeed wearing it. When he knew I would still be sending messages he had again on his wrist. But I am not sure it is my bracelet.
All I know is that he plays my favorite songs and that he is getting nuts when they are French people in the place. He even played a song about flying to a "dirty boulevard" as Bo's was closing. I live on a boulevard. He once said he knew some French words: brunette and boulevard. I am a brunette.
I will still be with him as I have always been. I am not expecting much though. I am sure I am still on his mind. He refuses to acknowledge it may be. He si still scared about the feeling. I am confident in the future.
The only problem is that next year there will be the trip to Canada and the States. It will be hard for me to convince my husband to go back to Australia as we are going to pay for that trip.
Wait and see !

Australian Dream

Back to the other side of the world.

I have stopped writing for a few months having received a big blow on my head after my last posting.
Jesse wrote a mail begging me not to answer the girl who was going to get in touch with me.
according to him she was his ex who had got his details and he was going to warn all his contacts in an emergency. The latter, "a sneaker", was going to tell me lies and may even say she is his wife, and I was supposed not to tell anything to her concerning him and his family.
As I had started to have doubts about is being moved into another department and not having access to his private emails anymore, and as his scare mails sounded less expressing his love for me as he used to do, I replied to the girl to find out in stupefaction that she was a 24 something living in Canada.
I did the mistake , but was it one ?, to add Jesse into my contacts on March 28th and that girl found out about me.
She was not, of course, the mother of his kids, just a girl he met in Q&A in November answering her question about broken hearts.
He started to declare his love to her, and she found out about another woman he was chatting with in December of last year.
I don't really know what he was telling that other one, but apparently it made that Canadian girl mad, for she broke the relationship with Jesse as soon as she had gotten in touch with her.
It is precisely by that time that I met Jesse. I found out that as he was telling me about his love, and how he would do all he could to have us living together, he was doing all his best to win that girl back.
I had been cheated on all along.
But the worse thing is that he said almost the same thing to her: I was a liar and she had better keep away from me.
He had introduced himself to her as a single man with no children.
Kathy, yes, that's her name, kept asking me if Jesse had children and was not believing me.
He told her he was making fun with me, and fancied his having kids because I was a mother. Lame excuse ?
He told her I was just a friend he was chatting with, but nothing like a lover.
I had to do something I hated to do: forward her all the mails he had sent me, telling about Lisa and Jesse Jr and about his readiness, willingness and ability to live with me. I cried a lot rereading all his love words, just to find out he was telling the same ones to Kathy in the mean time. The latter even called them "Jesse"s quotes". Lol !
He said he had never cheated upon her, for I was a mere friend for him, and if he told me such words, it was because he pitied me not having an active sexual life. He wanted to make me happy this way.
Kathy has started IMing me everyday since that day of March.
We have been perusing his answers and questions since, and also his past ones previous to our meeting with him.
I let her know how I found out he introduced himself as a happily married man with children, confused because attracted to another woman. He gave me something that sounded like a lame excuse. He wanted to gain more points by saying it. He gave Kathy the same excuse once. Winning points !!!
Of course, he got mad at me for having answered Kathy and said very nasty things to me, how I could have been stupid at my age to believe what a stranger was telling me on the web.
I replied that he had been stupid to believe that I would leave my husband and my high standard of living for a mere worker in LA.
I spent a fortnight fighting with him through emails and chatting with Kathy on Messenger.
Kathy doesn't want Jesse to know I am in touch with her. He keeps warning her to stay away from me and he said she didn't like me either.
I stopped playing that loser/winner game after I replied to his saying I would never meet another one like him. God preserve me from it ! was my reply. Preserve me from meeting again such a liar and a cheater !
I called him winner with much irony.
I discovered what being a Sureno means. I read all about these gangs and what one has to perform to become a member. I also found out the meaning of the spider tattooed on his forearm. Prison time.
Kathy knows all this and is not scared by such a past studying psychology and working in a delinquent home. It is as if she wanted to save that lost soul.
The only thing that seems to bother her is the fact that he may have children.
He sent her a photo of himself and he is overweight, due to his diabetes, I guess. Well, she got a new one lately and he has lost weight.
She herself is suffering from juvenile arthritis and a lupus. Her bad state of health led to hospital a few weeks ago.
She is of Chilean origin and they both share an Hispanic background they are very proud of.
Anyway she has been spending days asking me for advice. Should she give him a second chance ? He calls her, emails her everyday, begs her to come back and even to come to LA and marry him.
What can I say to that ?
I can easily admit I was a fool cheated on for months. It hurts a lot, but if it is the actual thing, I can't stay blind any longer.
Kathy seems to think she is the only one he is not lieing to. Anyway she had to admit she got a blow on her head when he finally acknowledged to her that I was more than a friend. So she didn't even believed what she was reading ! Lol !
She finally told me Jesse has two accounts on Q&A. He met her on the other one. It can expalin why he was not visiting his Q&A during the week-ends. He was on the other account from which he was emailing Kathy unknowingly from me.
He has not used that one for four months, but has recently added a new friend, a Miss V... , into his contacts.
He is adding girls into his contacts by now, something he had never done previously. The last added is Kathy who then thinks it is a proof of his love for her, not keeping her into the hiding anymore. That one is a complete fool !
Jesse now wants to meet her family in Canada previous to a wedding. Her mother and older sister don't mind his past too much, and agree to give him a second chance.
In my opinion, it is not only a second chance, but a third as she already gave him a second chance after they broke in December, following her discovery of another woman.
I also put the stress on the quality of his answers, mostly about sex, oral and anal.
She is a virgin but that doesn't shock her.
Lately he answered a girl who wanted to know what boys would like her to wear. He said "butt naked and waiting for me". I would not like my man answering that to a girl even in a virtual world, but that she doen't mind. In fact, that's precisely what he keeps telling her. What does she know about sodomy ? She avowed me that he begs her for photos of her breasts and naked butt. That man is mentally sick ! A real pervert ! But the virgin doesn't mind. She finds it natural that he desires her that way, a proof of his love.
She wanted to know if he ever asked me for such pictures. I told her that if he tried and spoke sex to me I had him stop and how romantic his speeches were afterwards.
But I kept silent concerning him for weeks. I still checked into his Q&A to get to know him better, and also to have matter to discuss with Kathy.
He sent an SOS to the Yahoo people saying a fifty plus was after him even having blocked all emails from her. Two girls replied being rude towards me and I had to contact them to explain the situation and who that Sureno is actually. They both apologized and we are still in contact.
I didn't write to him though.
Finally he answered one of his new contacts' questions, talking of a fool, playing with two girls, taking them as booty calls, and that not wanting to hurt one he advised th eother to forward the latter all the mails she has got from that fool and thus catch him into his act. Lol ! That's too much !
I couldn't help jump on one of that Chiquita's questions to make allusions that in fact Sureno was talking of himself on mentioning that fool. No reaction on either sides.
I asked a question on avatars as he replied to Kathy's question on goatee and beard. I added I prefered a clean-shaven one for in this expression there is the word "clean". Adding comments to my question, I said avatars are a best way to hide reality from others and even having children.
Jesse read all this, and advised Kathy to tell me not to answer any of her questions anymore.
But the latter begged me to answer one about being loved or not. I reluctantly replied.
She then asked questions about loving a man and he replied he loved one dearly too. She was in heaven !
But I made her notice he answered a question about being with an older women, 16 yeras older, and he said he didn't mind if he fell for her. She eluded that one. He asked another one about girls in bikini. He used to say i should be a knock out in my bikini as I was telling him of my wearing one on so many days.
I am sure he has still got me on his mind, and didn't reply to Kathy's last questions especially willing to know about giving up all in life for the sake of her lover. Weird !
She has made up her mind on going back to him by now. I wish her good luck !
I have wasted too much time with these two.
I told Jesse in my last mail that I had already moved on and had found a new friend in New Zealand, a nice man, not in the hiding, sending me pictures of is family. Brian is really nice indeed. I enjoy our chatting together. He is 60, recently divorced, and a loving father.
So I am back to the other side of the world.
But all this sad story has ruined my relationship with Marty.
He was obviously jealous hearing of Jesse, and played songs dealing with California, and went as far as welcoming the people in California, especially a girl there, who were wakening up as he was leaving Bo's.
I quickly stopped speaking of jesse, ashamed of myself.
Then I told him of my new friend in New Zealand. Marty has been ignoring me since. I keep on doing as if I were not aware of it. I feel hurt though, and I am wondering if he is still with Clare. On my last phone call, month ago he said they should meet when she is finished with her exams.
He has been away twice for long week-ends lately, but I am not too sure it was for him to meet her. I should phone him, but not yet though.
He seems to be back to better feelings concerning me, playing Bob Sinclar again, Sean Paul and even Paris Avenue "From Paris to Berlin". Of course, he didn't say it was for me, but he spoke of a French lady and of French people, something he had not done for weeks.
I understood something yesterday. Dan played a song by Evermore. I requested it quite often at the end of the parties after having told Marty about Brian. I was not aware this groups was from New Zealand, till Marty added once that Mary decidedly loved these guys from New Zealand.
I asked Brian who confirmed me these boys are from a village south of Auckland.
Marty can have such weird reactions at my telling him about other boys. That may be the reason of his actual behavior. That may be not.
I am back to the other side of the world but not happy by Marty's attitude. I have got to win him back by any means. It will take me a lot of patience that I know. It has not been the first time he has acted that way and has always come back to me. But, lol, not as long as by now.
This side of the world is safer though !

Australian Dream.

Cheated ?.

What a bad day again after so many in a row !
I have not heard from Jesse for nearly a week.
In fact, all went wrong after I had told him about what I read in his Q&A, his being lappily married and his wife and kids being all that counts in the world. Well, I spent hours checking out into his questions and answers, and he never mentioned that again. He said he was on his own on Valentine's Day as he told he was. He spoke of being heartbroken. He comforted me saying he would have a girlfriend of his mother's age, a plump one with breasts and a big behind. Most of all, the personality of the girl prevails over the physical in his opinion. He also spoke much of respecting the woman in a relationship. he said all that previous to meeting me on the web.
I realized I could be the perfect one for him and I started believing all he said to me.
But the day following my saying what Ijhad found out in Q&A, he did not welcome me as usual on resuming his work at the airport. I had to wait till late into the evening to get a first mail telling me he had to move into another department and did not access to his emails, the computers being filtered there. The first time he was speaking of his being moved into somewhere else in two months. In a second mail he said he was not married and said that to attract people's attention, and have them reply for him to gain more points.
I was relieved and decided to carry on with the relationship without asking myself anymore questions.
But during that week I only got mails too late at night to reply them. In fact each day it was just one to wish me a good night. The last I got on the Thursday morning,which means that for the rest of the day he did try to keep in touch.
I waited anxiously on the following Monday to get a first message from him and got none.
The following morning I broke down very deep, for on one hand he said he would be unable to email me being in a new department, and on the other hand I found out he was answering questions in Q&A, even saying to a redhaired girl he loved her.
Once again he had sent that one too late for me to get it before bedtime.
I waited later on in the evening of that Tuesday, as I had got nothing and he had got one point for visiting Q&A, I sent two questions of my own asking if aa life was worth being lived without love and another equivalent adding I was in despair finding love.
I got an instant email from him sounding angry that I could have written that as he had said so many times he loved me so much. He sounded till very angry in a second one and then he started sending mail upon mail telling me how much I meant to him.
I trusted him anew, though I was puzzled that he could email me all of a sudden after having told he would no longer be able to.
The following day, last Wednesday he resumed his loving messages. He said he would climb high mountains to be united to me, the sky being the limit. He wrote twice in capital letters he was ready,willing and able.
Was not it the lost beautiful thing a poor woman like me could listen to ?
The next day, after a few nice welcoming mails he said he had again to go to another department, not being sure he would have access to emails. It was last Thursday midafternoon here and since I have not heard from him.
He has never sent the picture of his he had promised me to send.
I can't help wonder that after my discovery of his pseudo marriage, he had to be in another department quite often. And he still visit Q&A on resuming work each morning.
I am thinking that it is a good way to escape from the relationship softly as I have emailed him less and less knowing he would not answer me if he ever read the messages I wrote.
I feel like having been cheated all along.
In a sense, Marty being rather nice these days, I am back as previously,still suffering he is not trying to get in touch and drop a line out of work. But, he sighed a "oh, Mary!" so explicit last Sunday and played so many songs in a row just for me. He talked to me saying I loved this boy, meaning the singer of Evermore I don't even know what he looks like. I though he was meaning himself the way he said it. Speaking of temperature he said something about hot and sweaty, still as if describing the way he was feeling at the moment.
Well, I may have been cheated on by Jesse, I still have my serious Marty.
If Jesse actually believed like this he is the worst bastard in the world, and, I, the stupiest of all girls !!!

Australian Dream.

Heartbroken ?

I spent a few bad days last week because of Jesse and it ended this morning with me breaking down so deeply I could not hold my place in my tennis team and asked for another girl to take my place. I broke into tears in front of my mates and could not control it. A very bad experience indeed.
Jesse sent me a few mails last week, short ones he said sending sneaking, for not supposed to be working on computers in his new department. I finally started believing in him anew and said I hoped he missed me as I was missing him. But he didn't send me one before the week-end. I appreciated though that he was no longer going on Q&A. I had a slight hope that he would try to keep in touch during the week-end, compensating for these days far from him. Or course, he did not. The fact that he has never allowed me to know his private email address has always been kind of a worry for me. Had he not a computer he could still go to a cyber. It is hard to believe a young man of 36 with two kids, living in the US has no computer at home. No he has something to hide. He may not be married, but, still, living with his ex or a new girlfriend. Then he is just doing office flirtation and scared at the love I keep on giving him as he is just having fun with me.
But today, I got what seemed to me as a farewell for good.
He kept on saying sorry for not being to have access to his emails but added he could still go on Q&A. He sent this one too late for me to read it last night. He said he was doing it furtively, so it was short and without any nice words. I checked out: for sure, he answered questions anew on Q&A as previously. That hurt me so much !
It sounded as if he meant being in this department for good now, telling me farewell.
I am not sure he has read all the emails I sent during these last days. He has not made the effort to look at the pictures I put with so much pain on the site of Ringo. He doesn't seem even interested in watching them. I am going to ask a question later this afternoon to see if he responds me. I did it once, last week, but he didn't go on the site then.
As I wrote to him earlier, there is not a single computer on earth.
Whether he has found a new one on this Q&A to chat with in a more cheerful way or my love for him has decided him to put an end to the relationship, or he has been cheating from the start and my saying I knew he was bragging being happily married with kids has dug a gap between us.
How could he have been spoken of his wish we should be together forever, of our future, of his true love (no lies, no fantasies) ? How could he have fancied such a life for his kids without a mother ? But how can a man so sexual potent and so young could have been without a woman for years ? This is hardly believable and cold showers are not doing the trick all the time as he seems to explain.
Love has blinded me. At least, you my Scruffy Beard, with your bad temper at times and your moody character, are no liar and act steadfastly. I will have to dig a big hole inside my mind and heart to bury that Jesse, I mistakenly called Love. It will take time, but isn't it always the case ?

Australian Dream.

At a loss again.

I had a very bad Monday following a very bad week-end.
I waited and waited for a mail from Jesse, and all went worse when I found out he was in Q&A answering a question. I begged him over and over again to reply and give me an explantion. It was late in the evening that I got something, a mail in which he said he was still very sick, but moved into another department from which he could no longer have access to his mails, just able to use Q&A. He said afterwards that to answer me he was not married and I regain hope, calling me sikky for not having trust him.
Then on Tuesday he said he will try to send me something and did not want me to think he was avoiding me. I felt relieved, but waited for nothing till late at night.
Today I was thinking of my bad luck, that each time I have someone to chat with his work prevents him to carry on doing it after a few months.
I was still ready to wait for a mail at the usual time and nothing has come yet and it is time for the TV evening.
Doubts are invading me by now. It is funny his moving into another department comes as such a right time for him.
He had always called his ex a girlfriend and was not lying when saying he was not married. That doesn't prevent him from still living with her.
Then, he can put an end to our relationship smoothly guessing I will progressively stop sending him emails as he won't reply them. It is true, I just sent him two today and will just send him a last one before going to bed. And tomorrow ?
Funny enough, Martyis very nice and is playing my love songs as ever. He was moved when I requested Beautiful Stranger, telling he was a beautiful stranger for me. I don't know for today for I had to go to Pignan to say good-bye to my renter. You were off, Marty, when I came back. But since then, I can listen to all the love songs you edited before leaving and they even are old ones I had even forgotten. No more rocks as at a certain period of time. I could tell you before going how I appreciated you editing them yesterday and that it had been hard for me to escape from the computer. Did that please you ?
In a sense I was cheating on you. You have been nice with me till last Xmas, I must acknowledge. You even said two weeks ago: "as far as she is listening, it is OK", all in a sigh.
You may have a bad temper at times, but you are still there and you never told me lies.
So, it may be better if Jesse wants to put that end to the relationship. I will be free again during the evenings and when you will be gone after closing time, seeing go away I will know that I could leave waiting for anything and relax.
Jesse is still upsetting for all he had said. I can hardly admit a lan seeling so perfect could be fake in that way. It is not fair on his children he moves so much fancying such a story in which they are involved. I miss all the nice things he said and can't help it. That won't last being back with you in full, my Scruffy Beard, and don't worry there are more chance my coming back to the Alice and joining you at Bo's than my ever flying to LA.
Soon roses will be blooming again and you will have them next to your picture as last year. Spring is in the air !
I have got no news for my girl for a few days. She had to be hospitalized in Bogota due to a bacteria. I guess she is doing well in Carthagena and tomorrow she will be on St Andres Island for a few days before flying back to France. Enjoy these last days, my girl !
Well,it was a beautiful love story that one we had Jesse and I. I won't regret it even if I have to admit he was the best of all liars I have ever met. I will just have to put more sense into my head.
I am still at a loss today. Tomorrow will be better. I won't have to stay stuck as much as I am doing in front of the computer and relax more in front of the TV in the evenings
Marty, if you are missing me and ready to wait for me, it's OK for me too.

Australian Dream.

Drowned.

I am drowned into that Bermuda Triangle ! It had to happen !
I don't know why but last Friday I went to re-read Jesse's first quesion on Q&A. I did not notice a few weeks ago that he added his comment. He said in his question that he was confused, for being happily married he was attracted to another woman. In his comment, he says that his wife and children are all that counts in the world for him and that he would never let them go by any means. That came to a blow to me and I can hardly recover from the shock it caused me.
The second question was about his wife could not stand his strong sexual apetite any more:up to six times a day.
All this is in complete contradiction with what he has told me for months and I broke into tears thinking he has been cheating on me for so long. I said I had been such a fool. I wrote about my worries to two friends I have by now in Australia. Finally I took the decision to tell him I had read this comment of his. I did as if I had read them from the start and that it has alwaays been on the back of my mind and that I wanted him to clear this out for me.
I know his reaction to this will be one of anger, but I have got to know the truth.
Then, I read a few answers he gave to others'questions: he said he would spend Valentine's Day on his own and gave advice to a man on how to gain his two children's custody according to California laws.
Then that suited his story better and I even regretted having asked him about the truth.
I put a few photos on a new site and I hope he will be able to watch them without having to disclose his email address as he still is reluctant to do it. Why he is he, by the way ?
Well, I will get a few explanation tomorrow evening !
Marty is very nice these days. He stood for a few seconds in front of the camera after having read my last mail and switched off his computer. Was he telling me good-bye in his own way ?
Con todo tiempo, as Jesse says.
Wait and see !!!

Australian Dream.

The Bermuda Triangle.

Is it true this triangle is so dangerous many people got lost into it ?
Pierre, Marty and now Jesse, they all make a perfect triangle. France, Australia and the States.
And I am stuck in the middle !
Jesse said: "but, Maria, I do", on my asking if he could love me by any chance.
But what did he mean ? You can love someone so many ways after all.
He has stopped talking sex to me, just answering my question yesterday and being fantastic, saying he would always respect he woman he makes love with not withstanding the positions.
He just got me on my knees telling that.
He speaks so sweetly to me, but it is hard to believe someone who has just known me on the web for nearly a month could be in love.
I tell him all about my life and my sorrows and his having had quite a disrupted life himself, I guess he is more apt than anyone to grasp fully what I feel deep inside me. But is it enough to say it is love. May be, just the kind of love you can feel towards someone close to you as a very good friend. He added, though, that the other twos' attitude was all our gain.
I am worried though for he doesn't give me his private email address, even if he said he wished he could have a picture of mine. I can email one without this address.
I gave him my full details acting recklessly, may be, hoping he would follow the path and send his in return, but he replied he had a terrible headache. That changed the subject at once, for I rushed taking care of his health. He said he was fine afterwards, but hurried to wish me a good night without speaking of the pictures anymore.
He seems to make a step or two forward, then recoil from it as realizing he has gone to far.
Am I going to stay a loved one on the web only and never enter his private life ?
He said though his kids are well aware of me and of all the nice places I visited. At least that means he talks about me to them.
Marty, you are the same as ever. I talk to you on my mind but less and less. It is hard to carry on with conversations as we don't share anything at present. I am doing a long tiring monologue to you. You pick up a few things that makes you react from time to time. You play my favorite songs to let me know you are aware I am in your company on the web, and then you can ignore me making fun with the foreign girls at Bo's or dedicating songs to that Jojo again as you did last night. It makes me jealous at times, but this feeling is wiped off soon as I start chatting with Jesse.
In fact, it is as if you have taken it for granted that I woud always be in your company and that we would carry on with this little game forever. No need emailing me while off work. No need reading my mails at home.I have been expecting for months you would drop me a line from time to time to let me know about your life in the Alice or answer my numerous questions. No use !I have to play the perfect regular listener even if it doesn't satisfy me at all.
Pierre is the same. He did not give the cuddle I needed this morning. Why should he bother, I am here all the same. I hated him for it and called him a vegetable without feelings. He did not mind much and gave me the usual kiss on my cheek on leaving all the way to his office.
I did an hour and a half of fitness to vent out my frustration.
Both you Marty and Pierre are frustrating me. May be your way to keep me in your power. But as I said to Jesse it is much better to hear someone to avow his love than to be kept in the waiting in vain.
Marty, you are so much like Pierre. You enjoy your own pleasure without making a single effort to fulfill my desires. You don't want to be bothered by endless questions and take life as it comes, not withstanding what I feel. You just take every moment as it comes. Your worries are the money you could make to improve your living, eating, sleeping, jump on any sports event you can come across. What a good life of yours !
The weather is cloudy today reflecting my mood. Is the sky always blue in the Bermuda Triangle ?

Australian Dream.

Lost between two continents.

Oh, what's happening with you two boys !
Jesse stopped calling me sweet names after apologizing for his sexual chat I told him I was scared of. I must admit it is on better grounds like this, much sounder, but I secretely enjoyed them even ashamed of my compliance. Marty, you would never dare speak this way to me because you are a more respectful one. You would rather play love songs to me to let me know how you feel.
But these days I feel like you are both flying away from me. I could not help telling Marty how I do miss our little chats together hopiong you enjoyed these delightful moments long gone by now.
Of course, I added I won't get any answer from you at present, things being as they are now.
The question that I need most to get the answer to is the following: did I mean much to you these days and am I still meaning much to you, much more than a regular listener ?
I fear I will never get it and I feel lousy.
Is the only way to get on a plane and rush to you in the Alice ?
I hate you for not letting me know !
Jesse said the next time he would have a day off he would let me know for me not worrying.
Yesterday I got no e-mail from him and he was not going to the site of Answers and Questions.
It might mean he was not at work.
But this one just answer me politely not telling me more about his everyday life in LA.
he did me the honor though to let me know about his past, his "pitiful past" as he called it.
Funny, Marty, you played "Hotel California" tonight after closing time.
You did not seem happy to have me on the phone ealier. I had got a letter from the French post-office saying they would track the parcel and I wanted to know if you had got it.
You had not and joked nobody knows where you live save at Bo's. You said again I should send further things to Bo's, but added I had not to send you anything more.
I replied I just wanted to please you and you said I should just ask you for music requests as other people do and that you will be pleased that way.
Did you mean you don't want me to have that special relationship with you as I carry on with.
Just a regular listener asking for music requests. If so I have got the answer to my question.
Anyway, I can't still resolve to that. You can't have wiped off so many close moments of friendship and I dare say love.
You keep on playing meaningful songs for me and no other: "Chasing Cars" these days.
I thought you were,may be, jealous again, for when I thought you were spending the week-end with Clare ( having shaved clean cut) I told you about Jesse in California.
It had happened many a time before you being kind of nasty because you were jealous.
I am stupid at times to let you know about other boys, just because I feel jealousy gnawing me inside.
I thought afterwards that you had that day off in order to watch the final at the Open in Melbourne. In fact, you didn't, working elsewhere. Well, you just shaved may be because it was a special party last Friday for Australia Day... It is so hard to know from here !
Jesse must be at work by now and I will get his first e-mail. May be...
I am still surfing on the web from one continent to the otherhoping not getting drown in the middle !!!

Australian Dream.

My Wedding Anniversary.

Today is my 31th wedding anniversary.
My day is ruined and I am left in tears.
I needed a bit of cuddling and more on that special day and nothing happened. Worse my husband left me as I was deperately trying to reach an orgasm all by myself, as usual, he hardly touching one of my breasts. As usual, he wouldn't move an inch towards me and try some kissing, licking or stroking to help me. In the middle of it he jumped out of bed saying coffee was ready for brealfast.
Bloody well it was ! I had made it myself telling him that would allow us more time in bed together.
I was left in bed starting to shake and broke into tears.
Worse he said he had made efforts lately, for to have intercourse with me requires efforts, and said I was not normal wanting to have orgasms so often, let's say once a week.
it has been like this since we got married. No sex on the wedding night, nor the day after and the others... Too old at 38 to have sex. I should have married a younger man. I was a pretty sexy chick of 27 by then. I have been bearing this misery inside me since that day 31 years agoNot easy to tell friends, nor family.
My mother was glad on seeing I was unhappy and she wanted me to stick to my husband not ready to help me get out of wedlock.
The circumstances in life had me have to stick to that man just for the sake of a living.
I have been well treated as far as the standard in life is concerned and many lady friends are jealous of my clothes , jewels and travels.
Of course, it is the money that heps me bear this sexual misery.
Without it I would never have been to Australia twice, and I would not be on the web with you Marty. I need it too if I ever want to be back there one more time and get the chance to be into your arms one of these days.
I won't tell you it is my wedding anniversary today. I don't want to remind you of my age.
I won't tell you either of my deep sufferings today. I am not sure you would understand nor that you would like to indulge into this kind of talks. I will just expect you to be nice to me hoping you love me still if you ever have.
I wrote so many lines to Jesse instead. I don't mind speaking freely of sex to him.
That has allowed me to explain to him I would not mind indulging in sexual intercourse with him the way he suggested to me last week. I actually was not shocked by what he said. It just aroused me sexually and gave me pain for all I am missing.
I just don't want to indulge into these talks for him to get aroused at work and be a puppet in his hands. Jesse has a strong sexual drive and I would like my husband doing these sexual tricks to me to satisfy me, if he doesn't have an erection. But that he doesn't grasp at all into his head.
Giving kissing, licking , stroking to a woman doesn't cross his mind.He cannot feel there could be some pleasure for him doing that. Selfishness may be . Laziness. I don't know.
All I know is that I have been living in deep misery for 31 years.
Today is my wedding anniversary and my heart goes from one side of the planet to other in search of a bit of love that never comes to me. My husband saying he was making efforts to have sexual intercourse with me lately worsens the situation. If you feel love for someone how can it require efforts to have sex with your mate ?
This I can't truely understand.
It is my wedding anniversary today and I am in tatters.

Australian Dream.

Back to Alice Springs.

Scruffy beard, longer hair, so you're back to me in full !
You did someting last night at Bo's you had not done or months: on leaving you turned your back and stared for a rew seconds at the camera as if saying good-bye to me as you did long ago.
I remember the days we were still chatting and on leaving you would the same and even did as if you wanted to catch my hand to wish me good-bye. I loved it so much, we were so close during that time...
Of course, you mentioned me more than once and played so many love songs just for me and I felt great. I regretted so much having met Jesse and wanted to be all yours again.
Thinking of the Alice and viewing the place in my mind made me nearly cry: the Bojangles, the Todd Mall, Undoolya Road, the lane to the Telegraph Sation with the kangaroos following us,...
How I miss all that !
As I told Jesse I can fancy you in your life there for I have already been twice in Alice Springs. easy for me to imagine you on your way back home each time you leave the Bojangles.
I can do the same with the latter. I don't know LA, have got no idea what he looks like and despite my asking he doesn't seem willing me to know. He is always focused on sexual matters scaring me each time.
Though on a Monday morning for him, I expected him sending a first email on resuming work.
He should have read my mails sent during the week-end.
Nothing at the usual hour.
I waited anxiously for two hours before deciding to send one.
I even checked if he was not visiting the site of Answers and Questions as he usually do after we part. But no, not this time as on last Friday.
Then I discovered I had no access available to my mail box. I tried and tried again in vain till 11pm.
I was worried for I thought Jesse had sent me emails of his own and was wondering why I was not replying.
When I finally found out I had 16 mails in waiting to be read, I started checking them all to discover there was none from him.
At first I thought he may have had a day off, just as on Monday last week.
I sent one email to him explaining the problem and saying I was sorry.
He replied at once saying he was apologizing for what he said on the previous Friday scaring me again.
I replied trying to be casual and that I understood his loneliness for giving him.
He replied willing to know if I had got his apologies.
I repeated what I had said before, that I am not used to these kind of talks but understood his sufferings being without a woman for years. I told him I wanted to get to know more about his own life to get to know him better.
He then asked me if I wanted to have more or these talks, or else to tell him for there would never be any. I didn't answer straight to his question just asking if it was the only thing he was interested in as far as I was concerned. I told him it was late and that my husband being in bed already I wouldn't be able to wait for too long for his answer.
I waited in vain arising my husband's suspicion anew.
I then decided to go to bed and sleep.
This morning I got a mail from Jesse. No "love" or "dearest", just Mary.
He says he was very busy yesterday and didn't have to reply quickly, adding that strange sentence "things are dying down now".
He wishes my leg has healed allowing me to win in today competition as I had told him I had tested it and wouldn't be able to play today. Full stop.
I checked: he resumed answering questions linked to sex, especially that one concerning "tea-bagging" (quite hot stuff)
If I understand things right, he was leading me into that kind of chats and, seeing it doesn't work, wants to put an end to the relationship.
I forgot I asked him if he had not had such a relationship previously with another lady on the web. It may have crossed him.
Or he is sincere and is crossed at my not trusting him.
I will have to wait till 6pm to get the clue.
Dan at Bo's today. I will connect myself to the site, back to Alice Springs again !

Australian Dream.

Suspicious Minds.

Oh, how confused I can be today.
Marty was as before earlier. He played "Chasing Cars" for me though I had not requested it. The words are so full of meaning. He called me Poor Mary on acknowledging the defeat ot the French tennis players in Melbourne. He played more of my favorite, even " Nothing Else Matters" saying it was one of his favorite too.
Well, I loved his scruffy beard and his hair a bit longer.
I told him he was in a loving mood. "In Love Again" seemed to suit the latter also. And he stayed at Bo's playing other more love songs.
As usual he waited for my last mail wishing him a good night before switching off his computer.
I love him so much when he acts this way !
Why have you kidded me with the story of this new girlfriend ?
I guess I was the only one to believe in it, but you behaved so nasty during these days !
If you had carried on e-mailing me in one way or the other, if you had not told me about Clare as she was living so far away from you, I would never had found out Jesse.
Pierre was suspicious about Jesse during lunch. He told me that that man should have fantasms about me living without a woman for so long. I refrained from blushing.
We spoke of travels and if he seemed willing to go back to Australia he started a row when I spoke of LA.He agrees to go back to Australia but in the frame of the association of Sister Cities.
That trip should happen in March 2007 if it ever does and I don't want to wait for so long.
I fear Marty might have left Bo's by then, and I am not he would carry on with this relationshoip of ours if so.
He could still find out a new girlfriend for good this time !
I did something I should have done before.
I checked into Jesse's first two questions on his joining the site .
He says he is a happily married man and speaks of his sexual appetite which his wife can't stand anymore. He says he eveb had to go and see a doctor for it.
In his second question he says he is married but attracted to another woman.
That had surprised me before, but I put it aside trusting his new story, his being on his own for ower 7 years and raising his kids alone.
Amazing he wrote to me in capital letters he has not had a single girlfriend since. Strange for someone so keen on sex.
His answers on this site are mainly about sex, but full of sense.
I am the one who should put more sense into my head.
I rushed head first into that new relationship on Marty telling me about a new girlfriend of his.
That's true he behaved nasty at that time, as a man cheating on his mate and angry at his doing it.
But I noticed it did not last for long and that by Xmas he was as nice as ever.
I couldn't believe it at first he was playing my requests on the radio while entertaining the party at Bo's which was not broadcasted on that special day.
I know now he did and Clare was not with him on these last days of December.
He was on his own as I thought the contrary.
Jealousy is a bad adviser.
My new friend, Milly in Sydney, versed in astrology advised yesterday to give Jesse the flick, quick.
She lay be right and can't help wondering if the latter is just interested in sexual chats while working.
He became a bit distant and stopped calling me "my love" when I ran away from these talks.
I won't give me his full name nor his private address.
I guess it is due the character of these relationships on the web.
You can't help being suspicious about the persons you deal with.
I have a great advantage with Marty, watching him thanks to the webcam and the chats we had together helped me understand him better. He is so much alike to Pierre !
But on bad days when he suddenly stops calling my name I can figure out all sorts of suspected things happening.
Pierre has never really been suspicious concerning Marty.
It is not the same with Jesse and I will have to be more careful avout what I do or say to him.
Oh, how I wish I never met Jesse !
I don't want to hurt him if all he says is true. He doesn't deserve it then.
I am fed up of living on a suspicious mind.

Australian Dream.

The Roses Have Faded.

I am more and more confused today.
Yes, the faded roses are in the dustbin. I thought it was like throwing our love away with them. I hated the idea but it was necessary you having found the right person with Clare, I had to come out of the game.
It hurt me after all that we shared together for months, happy together chatting.
Well, let put some sense into my brain: it had to happen and it did.
I hated you for not thanking me for the Xmas present.
Denise and Dan both did.
I said to myself you did not care. I suffered a lot.
Yesterday, I had the feeling I got to phone you. What a good idea I had !
First of all, you never got the parcel. Gosh, are you doomed or is it me when I want to give you something ?
I hope you will get it some other day and I am curious to know what you will do with the bracelet. Wear it or not ? This would be full of meaning.
Clare has given up her job in Tennant Creelk and is moving further away to Queensland.
What a pity ! I said I was sorry for you as you seemed to have found the right person.
You replied there are some other right persons around.
Did you mean me ? I guess so.
In fact, you played again with my feelings. Did you want to know my reaction ?
Nobody believed in that new love story of yours, not even Pierre.
I was the only one as usual to be fooled by you.
When connected later on you played "Love Generation" thanking Bob Sinclar for that song.
Yes, you wanted to tell once you still like it though playing it very often and you said: "I still love HER". What a lapsus ! Steve was with you at Bo's on that day.
Your voice was cheerful, but when I emailed you I was sorry for you, distances not helping things and reminding you of impossible love and unpredictable one, it became so sullen at once.
You ignored my requests and left all of a sudden not spending the usual hour with your listeners.
You turned the screen to me to show the computer was off.
I was meaning Clare but I think you were thinking of the both of us. You got the irony right.
A little revenge on my part.
Still, I was waiting for Jesse's first mail after you left Bo's.
I told him all about you and he replied you are doing your best avoiding me. That pleased him a lot, but he became distant not ready to answer as quickly as usual.
I guess, I bored him talking about you again.
He did not send me messages during the first half of the soccer match.
I rushed to the chocolate box which, I know, was a very bad idea !!!
Later on he told me again he desires so badly and he won't tell others about us for he wants to keep me all to himself.
He hurried wishing me a good night, but came back again when I told him the match was not over yet.
He wants me to be with him in my dreams as I am in his.
He speaks less of sex and I like it better this way.
I still feel the spell on me.
Well, Jesse is a man who is in need of affection and sex.
You are a boy, shy about sex, selfish and as a good Scorpio not allowing people to read too much into your mind. Keep all secret from me, Marty. I am tired of guessing.
The game is not over then. I don't know who is going to win in the end.
After all distances don't make things easy for you, for Jesse and for me !!!

Australian Dream.

Confusion.

Mary, but what are you doing ?
I let Jesse siren songs into my mind and it has become so strong a spell I can't get away from them.
I am your love, the one for you and in your mind we will be together. You speak of the past not destroying our future. All you say is true you insist.
My broken heart wants to believe you, but you seem to be such a dreamer !
For the first time I do feel like cheating on my husband and I am so ashamed of it. Laure disapproves of it too and calls me childish. She says she has to build up her own personality in parallel with my life and that things are not easy for her with an immature woman acting like a 15 year old girl.
Nothing the like with you, Marty !
You would never speak of love or let me know clearly you loved me.
Anyway I had to take it for granted you did. As I have to take for granted Pierre does.
What the use telling me ?
You both are here, two sensible men not too prone on romance.
One is earning a living for me. The other is calling my name and plays love songs full of meaning I am supposed to understand. Lately Marty chose "I want You" instead of "From Paris to Berlin" insisting twice last time on "I want you".
But you won't say much more about your life and I am supposed to acknowledge your love for Clare.
Nobody believes you have let me down for that other girl. Pierre shrugs his shoulders and smiles as if he finds me stupid to think it is true.
Jesse, too, says I am so much prettier than that girl and that I don't have to worry.
I must say you still act funny.
As the weather was so fine I said to myself "stop wasting your time with someone who has a new girlfriend" and I went twice sunbathing on the balcony instead.
I knew Saturday night would be a late party Bo's fully packed. So I stayed on the balcony relaxing and enjoying the sun on my body.
You spent over an hour before taking my first request, but afterwards you played so many of them, the songs with the most meaning.
Last Sunday, a very quiet night with almost nobody at the bar.
I connected an hour before you left telling you about the sunshine on the balcony. I sounded happy and I had reason for it remembering Jesse's last words for the week-end.
Wow, you ignored me !
I couldn't believe it when you said strangely you had no requests coming from the web !!!
Joking, kidding, or simply resenting the fact I had not been with you since the opening of the broadcast.
You had already done that especially during summer days when I left you to go down on the beach.
How can you be so possessive towards me especially having a new girlfriend ?
On Monday the weather turned grey and cold and I went to Bo's on the web ealier.
Mary, Mary,Mary... You joked playing "Love Generation" saying as I couldn't watch the tennis match, Pierre refusing to pay for it, you will play that one for me and that it wouldn't cost me a cent.
But I am still waiting for you to thank me for your Xmas present or to send me an e-mail answering my numerous questions.
Jesse is speaking less of sex by now.
He says we are mentally close and that the physical is just a plus.
He says we will be together as if he knew it all.
I am the perfect one and he doesn't want the past to destroy our future.
I told you, Jesse, of all the hurdles ahead: my age, my being married, my being so far from LA
It is as if they don't exist in your mind.
You love me and I am yours despite the circumstances.
We only met two weeks ago and it seems so unreal to me.
Should I put more sense into my head ?
How can a man say that to someone he doesn't know?
I still don't know much about you, Jesse.
You don't reply when I ask you about your life down in LA.
You don't give me your full name, nor your address, even your private email address.
I told you I can't send you pictures otherwise.
I ask for a picture of you but you didn't reply.
Sometimes I am wondering if you just like to talk to a woman leading her slowly into having sexual chats to arouse you sexually.
Confused I am, for sure.
I know my lady friends cannot understand me chatting with another man on the web. It scares them and they are no computer users either.
Gosh, God help me !
The roses have faded alright.
I have had to resolve putting them into the dustbin.
I did it last Sunday.

Australian Dream.

From Marty to Jesse.

That's the way I do by now.
When Bo's closes I wait patiently for Jesse's first mail as he cones to work.
I have to manage through the differents hours of the world. One goes to bed when the other one wakes up. I am stuck in the middle.
Not easy though communicating with Jesse as it is evening hours for me, time for dinner and TV watching along with my dear Laure's phone call.
Marty is nice considering I am a regular listener to be treated that way. He played three songs in a row for Mary who is listening over in France. But no answer to my questions and I feel sad when he leaves Bo's. Where are the times gone when he would wave his hand at the camera as if he wanted to take mine on saying good-bye...
Where are all those moments I cherished gone?
It is as if it was taken for granted he was with me in thoughts, without having the need to tell anymore. Doubts are gnawing at me so much.
I don't trust you Marty as I used to.
I listened to the songs you edited on going.
I am puzzled. They were rather sweet , less hard rocks as days ago.
It is almost as before, when you would stay listening to what you call "cheesy songs".
You edited songs I had requested during the party and ,again you played "You're Beautiful". That one had been our song for months in 2005 and ealy 2006. Then you stopped playing it to turn to "Love Generation" and "From Paris to Berlin".
Strange, now you chose "I Want You" by the same group instead, as a requested song for me.
I heard a new a song telling of roses and you wanted to play a song which is a favorite of yours before leaving. I listened carefully: " you're far away and I'd like you to come and cry out on my shoulder".
Well, Tennant Creek could be said to be far away from the Alice...
But , onthe other hand, I called you for help and you never answer my mails. Not a word concerning the Xmas present. Not a thank you.
Then, I consider I don't mean much to you by now.
Jesse scared me a bit again saying about his hard erectionof yesterday morning and how he would like me in his bed to satisfy me sexually. He added joking this time.
He knows he is scaring me. He is more cautious though and doesn't call me his love any longer. I am his dear Mary.
He said he wil be always there any time I want to speak. He said it was an honor for him to have me as a friend. He is suffering not having a woman by his side. he seems such a loving father and must have quite a hard time raising them alone.
He spoke of me to his kids, but no, Dear Jesse, this not a good idea to fancy the both of us bathing naked into the sea them watching.
I need your sweet words Jesse.They soothe my pain.
Of course, I will be with you again later on in the day.
The fade roses are still in the vase. I can't resolve on throwing them away.

Australian Dream.

From Alice Springs to Los Angeles.

Happy New Year!
New for sure with all that it means. A change in one's life. Happy,not really sure...
How can someone ruin someone else's day?
Pierre knows it for sure, and you too, my dear Scorpio.
I am standing at the crossing of paths.
I have rushed head first into a new relationship.
I regretted it as if I was cheating on you two. The b... fool I am even sent you a mail two days ago to let you know about it, for that Jesse is upsetting me.
I was in despair and still am.
You were nice on New Year's Day playing songs just for me and I could hear my name called more than once. You were adding some nice words too, but you never wished me a Happy New Year. You neither shouted Happy Birthday to me last November. Same as in 2005.
I feel rotten for I know Denise got her present nearly two weeks ago and she hurried thanking me. You should have got yours then. Same as Dan.
Usually, Dan would say thank you even twice or thrice, by means of an email and on the mike.
Well, he ,too, is silent this time.
It seems to me he has broken with his Mary. He no longer mention her, but, worse, he always plays a sad song as the last for the party: "Oh, lover, lover, why you do you treat me no good no more".
He even sings along with the song while drunk.
As for you, what could I say?
I went high again after this new day of 2007. I thought this Clare was wrong wanting to change your looks. You insisted so much on her not living with you and wanted to be sure I knew where Tennant Creek is.
It took us six hours to get to Alice Springs from there.
Well, we had a stop at Aileron for breakfast. But even so, it is not that close to the Alice and as I know now that you work at the casino when not working at Bo's, do you meet as often as you would too.
A blonde ? You have a crush for blondes then? I don't care...
If I feel so lousy these days, it is not entirely your fault.
The connection has been a complete failure since the beginning of the year. I can't hear what you say and I could have missed an oral message. Cheating on me perhaps !
You played a few songs dear to me as you know it.
"From Paris to Berlin" seems to have become our new anthem as it once was., along with "Love Generation". You even wear a scruffy beard and longer hair anew. If Clare could see that, she would not approve !!!
You told me you had a cold and appreciated my little piece of advice: lemon,honey, rum...
You said you were wondering what I was under telling about rum.
Well, in short, you were nice to me these last days, and it is the bad connection that made me feel lousy. I always suspected I had missed something important.
But, I can't be satisfied anymore. Satisfied, such a weak word to express how I feel !
I keep expecting you answering my numerous questions and hopes from your home and be part of your private life anew. In a sense I am, when you tell me about your new girlfriend on the phone. Don't expect me to phone each day if I want to get an answer from you.
You can say something when you get a Xmas present! I can watch a black square thing behind the screen. I have even asked you if it was not the box with the two CDs. No answer.
If you have got them, you are not wearing the bracelet.
This was something a bit intimate and I sent it as a test. The poor fool didn't know you had somebody new into your life.
In despair, I said to myself I had to find new friends to talk to on the web: people down in Australia I could share my experience with.
A lady from Bendigo got in touch with me. She is a big fat lady without the love of a man, for sure.
And, now, Jesse, you've come into my life and you are scaring me at times.
That's why I wanted to tell you about him, my Scruffy Beard.
If you don't read my mails as you said once, well, no worries for me. Funny, the connection was much better yesterday and I could listen to "Unfaithful" on the radio.
You stopped playing it ages ago. I had to get the words right to understand why I should not request that song any longer. A coincidence again ?
Well, Jesse contacted me on the web, or rather I picked up his email as he answered the question I had asked in this forum on Yahoo7.
This man has big problems of his own. He is a bit confused and high on sex matters.
He is raising his two kids alone and I guess it is not easy for him. An ex-GI who did the first war in Irak, he now works at LA airport on the security crew.
He left his ex-girlfriend for she was rebuking his sexual advances. Faithful to her, he says he was.
But he wrote on the forum he is sexually aroused more than four times a day and that the girl couldn't stand it any more. He said he even went to a doctor who said there was nothing wrong with it.
He says he misses the presence of a woman and that he would like to be loved for what he is. Who would not...
He scared me calling me his love. Hypnotized by my talks he would close his eyes and invision what I tell him.He would listened to me for hours with his love and affection.
He said I don't have to worry for he knew I am prettier than Clare. He knows it by the way I express myself.I am his beautiful,intellectual and sexy friend. He is happy having me as his friend and told his kids about me. I am not telling Pierre too much about him.
But he scared me again when he said he would like to bathe naked into the sea with me, his kids watching.
Apart from all the sweet things he says to me each day, I can help thinking he has big sexual problems.
He has not heard from his ex for years. He says she couldn't stand the burden of being a mother and wanted her freedom back. He is 36 and she,34.
At times, I think I should fly away from this relationship, but I need him so much when he says sweet words to me. He says I am perfect, stroking my poor ego. He keeps thanking me for what I say to him.What a change from you !
Acording to him, you are a lucky man and you are blowing off steam.You are not the only one. What should I say about my own husband ?
The latter left me in tears this morning.
When Bo's closes, Jesse arrives at work in LA and starts emailing me doing it as working.
That reminds me of happier days. Will I ever recover from the pain I feel now ? Tears are running on my face again.
I will keep on pretending later on not to scare you. I will play the regular listener,hoping the connection will allow me hearing if you say something for me on playing my requests, disappointed more than once, may be...
Jesse will try to soothe me. He doesn't mind my talking about you as long as I am with him on the web. I sent him a long mail he will get on resuming work. I told him about my bad experience this morning and my very poor unhappy sexual life. I have to tell someone to relieve the burden from my heart.
Finally we are two poor souls craving for love.
Now I fly to California after leaving Australia.