Australian Dream.

Heartbroken ?

I spent a few bad days last week because of Jesse and it ended this morning with me breaking down so deeply I could not hold my place in my tennis team and asked for another girl to take my place. I broke into tears in front of my mates and could not control it. A very bad experience indeed.
Jesse sent me a few mails last week, short ones he said sending sneaking, for not supposed to be working on computers in his new department. I finally started believing in him anew and said I hoped he missed me as I was missing him. But he didn't send me one before the week-end. I appreciated though that he was no longer going on Q&A. I had a slight hope that he would try to keep in touch during the week-end, compensating for these days far from him. Or course, he did not. The fact that he has never allowed me to know his private email address has always been kind of a worry for me. Had he not a computer he could still go to a cyber. It is hard to believe a young man of 36 with two kids, living in the US has no computer at home. No he has something to hide. He may not be married, but, still, living with his ex or a new girlfriend. Then he is just doing office flirtation and scared at the love I keep on giving him as he is just having fun with me.
But today, I got what seemed to me as a farewell for good.
He kept on saying sorry for not being to have access to his emails but added he could still go on Q&A. He sent this one too late for me to read it last night. He said he was doing it furtively, so it was short and without any nice words. I checked out: for sure, he answered questions anew on Q&A as previously. That hurt me so much !
It sounded as if he meant being in this department for good now, telling me farewell.
I am not sure he has read all the emails I sent during these last days. He has not made the effort to look at the pictures I put with so much pain on the site of Ringo. He doesn't seem even interested in watching them. I am going to ask a question later this afternoon to see if he responds me. I did it once, last week, but he didn't go on the site then.
As I wrote to him earlier, there is not a single computer on earth.
Whether he has found a new one on this Q&A to chat with in a more cheerful way or my love for him has decided him to put an end to the relationship, or he has been cheating from the start and my saying I knew he was bragging being happily married with kids has dug a gap between us.
How could he have been spoken of his wish we should be together forever, of our future, of his true love (no lies, no fantasies) ? How could he have fancied such a life for his kids without a mother ? But how can a man so sexual potent and so young could have been without a woman for years ? This is hardly believable and cold showers are not doing the trick all the time as he seems to explain.
Love has blinded me. At least, you my Scruffy Beard, with your bad temper at times and your moody character, are no liar and act steadfastly. I will have to dig a big hole inside my mind and heart to bury that Jesse, I mistakenly called Love. It will take time, but isn't it always the case ?