Australian Dream.

Gnawing Doubts.

I am not sure my last chapter was explicit enough. I was drawing a parralel between my two men. There are too many similitudes between the two and ,even, Pierre acknowledges it. That makes him smile at times. That is why he knows why I am attracted to you,Marty, and why he said once he would not be able to prevent it. But that leads him to crying too. He is a man and not of the crying type though.Just like you, evading trouble as much as you can and focussing on your work life and the bills to pay at the end of each month. No place for romance.
I have just sent you a long mail, dear Marty, trying to express my feelings at the moment and I am starting to regret it. Just another silly thing on my behalf.
Feeling lonely, with worries concerning Pierre's mental state of health, has led me to think you could be more than a friend to me. Your calling my name, e-mailing me during the parties, shouting your sudden love for France, made me thought I was right at times. But, now that you don't pay much attention to me these days, and that you won't answer me while at home on your personal computer, I am wondering if all this was just you having some fun.
I feel just like an ordinary listener whose requests you pick up at random.
The fact is that even if you play a song for me, you would not let it know nowadays.
I have noticed more than once, that you could be jealous and that puzzled me.
In the summertime, you even did not appreciate my leaving you to meet my friends on the beach. Seb was a big preoccupation of yours. You even thought he was at Bo's one day. I had told you,though, the latter was driving all the way from Darwin to Sydney at that time.
And the day I told you I had met a young gentleman and very good player at the golf club: he, you started making fun with a Swedish girl on the dance foor. It got on my nerves and I decided to leave you and do some swimming. It was not long before you said that it was worth watching that girl doing some swimming on the dance floor, the crawl you added.
On coming back home, connected anew, I told you it was better swimming in a gorgeous water than on a dance floor. One of our little rows !
I remember how you stayed silent for days after receiving a picture of Pierre and I; during last New Year's Eve party.
I had sent it to you, for I thought I was pretty on that one, which is not too often...
Did it hurt you to see me with my husband ?
I did the same silly thing, e-mailing one taken on Pierre's birthday, earlier this morning.
Well, of course, that reminds you I am a married woman and your religious convictions can make you fell the guilt in our relationship. Some of my lady friends say it is just as adultery.
Hey, who knows!
Pierre says we are playing a game of chess, and he believes I will be the loser, not playing in the same category as you.
I know he is right. I am reckless. You are wise.
You are just A DJ doing your job. You said in your first mail.
You were wondering what I was expecting from you.
Are you still wondering or have you enough of me?
Impressive Pierre says I am. He ,even, acknowledges he is scared by me. Can you be too?
I know, I should noy have spoken of Pierre's wealth to you. But it is part of my life, and I want you to know it all.
Pierre has so many belongings I don't even know how many. It may puzzle you that we have so many houses, some unoccupied. It puzzles everyone over here either. Some can get to know where I actually live.I don't know either how much money he has on his many bank accounts.
This has stopped worrying me at present. Carpe diem!
After all I don't know how many pair of shoes I have got !!!
I have been to so many parts of the world and it is not everybody who can spend his holidays in Australia. Three weeks twice, already, living in four star hotels, eating in restaurants.
A life of millionaires !
I would have liked you to come over here and support the Aussie rugby team next year. You explained to me that your are an indie, living on a contract and not paid while not working. The trip would be too expensive for you to afford it.
I may look selfish in your eyes, far from your own life. I am aware of it and I know I would never let down my standard of living. So what do I want? I want you to love me. I must be selfish then.
When Dan wanted to introduce me at Bo's, he started by: "Mary...", stopped and mumbled "from all over the world!".
My life has already led me to many places on earth and the songs you play can remind me of some of them at times, and I let you know. It is awkward on my behalf. One day you played a song about a girl being too high for a boy.
Did you feel I was too high for you?
I was not as a child. My mother wanted a boy so dearly that the disappointment was too big for her. I had to endure the consequences till her death.
My younger brother benefitted of the situation and I have not heard from him since she died.
He let relatives know about that death two months after it happened, and a cousin phoned me the news on a Sunday morning.
I have come across violent acts from my parents, physically and mentally. They destroyed my life then. I tried and get some loving and affection from the boys I met, but was decieved badly more than once. I have lost self-confidence and can't believe I could be loved .
That is why I am behaving in a very demanding way that may bothers the boys I meet.
Pierre is not affectionate nor sexually aroused. He is doing his best now that he knows you are in a corner of my mind. How strange!
And you are so young, too much for me. You are my swan's song in a way.
You can act childishly too, my big boy! That way of saying football is true men's achievement in nlife. Can't you find any thing more worthwhile?
One day, you wrote to me I was reading too much into things.
It is just what I am doing at the moment.
All I know is that I want to go back to Australia with all my heart. And I don't want to miss you this time.
Pierre said you flew away to Sydney last May, scared of meeting me. The aggressiveness of your first mail was an evidence to him.
I would have liked to meet Seb during his stay in France for him to decide Pierre on going back.
I would like to go to Perth before Alice Springs. Funny it is where your ancestors are from and where your sister lives with her husband and daughter.But no news from Seb...
You asked me once why Pierre is not keen on going back to Australia. Why did you also ask me about what I meant about impossible love ?
Pierre will have to pay for the new lift in our building. We also need a new car. his was wrecked in the accident last January. We need to have new shutters too in the flat.He also said that he feels too old for such a long trip and longs for meeting his friends in Quebec.
He may not want me to meet you...He yells at me he is fed up with my talking about you all the time. I can understand him. I can't help it though.
Many,many questions.
I'd like to meet my friend Denise too. She has always been so kind, but too busy at the same tme.
Elisabeth has left the Alice for Sydney. No news from her since.
I fear the day I may be able to be in the Alice again, you would be away. I know you are looking for a better to earn more money. That's why I am in a hurry to come back. And I am getting older as everyone.
Is it Alice Springs I am longing for, or just you?
By the way, the French town on the road sign on the Todd Mall is Dijon. That's where I was born. My second name is Alice.