Australian Dream.

One year older!

That's it today, I have grown a year older !
I am listening to Cuban music, Buena Vista Club, the CDs I still intend to send you even if you've let me down on my special day.
This music reminds me of old days in the West Indies when I used to listen to Radio Venezuela. I am not sure you will appreciate such a music. It is so far from the rocks you love so much and that I have to listen to every evening by now. You edit them now to please the boys of the cleaning crew, but I enjoyed better the previous songs you edited for the rest of the night. At least some were meant just for me.
Our president is having his birthday too today. I had the opportunity to celebrate mine at the French National Assembly two years ago. Not a very common thing to do after all.
Cuban music and Fidel Castro's birthday too. I am not that proud though to have been born on the same day as this man. I just wanted to take a few minutes listening to these records before sending them to you. Am I going to send them after all ?
I could not find out if you got the last CD I sent you with a picture of yourself surrounded by roses. When I asked you on the phone you were so evasive it did not put me in the mind of insisting any further. You were all of a sudden in a hurry to hang up: had to do your job, could not understand what I was saying, well I missed the point as usual.
My daughter phoned me earlier and sent me an e-card. I should be going high in spirits. I can't.
I hoped my husband would go and play golf with me on that special day. He, too, deceived me. He, too, has his job to do: not much time to spend with me...
You both are so much the same in character...Your job is a refuge for you not to get too much involved into things of love, a screen to protect yourselves and a way not to let your feelings go out unveiling your inner thoughts.
Concerning the one at home, I have to take for granted he loves me even if he doesn't want to tell about what is buried inside his heart. I had so many doubts in the past trying to guess his true feelings... I am well over it by now.
I thought I would have a few e-mails today, but my in-box is empty. Laure will request a song for me later on in the afternoon. Dan should be playing if ever he wants to. Everybody at Bo's should know then it is my birthday, but I remember mentionning it last year without success. I can't remember who was at the console by then.
The funny thing is that I think you started paying more attention to me than I was to you. My mind was with someone else a year ago, even if I enjoyed being with you all the most.
It was not actually till St Valentine's Day that I came to realize that you meant so much to me when you said on your mike you were single, answering my reply by: " Oh, you know, Mary, I am single but not a lonely heart though with all the people around every night".
Are you still single nowadays?
The first deception for me was soon on its way, for you started ignoring me right afterwards as if realizing you had said too much. I guess the idea of my coming soon made you fret too.
Since then it has been ups and downs for me.
I thought at first you said you were 28. And, of course, I could not expect anything from you as you seemed wondering I could. I replied I could be your mother. Were you cheating or did my ears cheat me ?
In fact, I am not sure, but it is a wonder how I could have been mistaken on hearing you tell your age. I got Dan's perfectly right. It is as if you had wanted to put a greater distance between you and me, the great barrier of ages.
Thinking you so young refrained me from getting too much involved into that relationship.
When you let me know your true age, ten years older that what I was thinking you were, was a trap for me into which I let myself be caught as if it was easier all of a sudden.
The big fool I am !!!
It does not change much for me that you are 29 or 39. There will still be a big gap between you and me. For the first time in my life I looked at the wrinkles on my face and it ruined me.
I am quite young in mind, quote the lady customs officer. I have always got fans among the population of boys in their thirties. They don't mean more to me than few pleasant moments of teasing. Why is it so different with you? Because you are so far away and we have never met in real life ?
I have been preoccupied by my physical appearance for so many years. My mother said I was too fat. But was it her own fault as I was obliged to finish my plate, hungry or not, whipped on my legs till it was over.
I started to see myself as someone not well enough to deserve to be loved. I started starving myself for days without any good results. My mother took me to doctors. I had no self confidence at all .My education had me go to the front of many stages more than once.
I was smartly dressed and in fact admired and distinguished, but it took me ages to realize it.
The lack of love from my family and boyfriends was not of any help.
My husband's attitude towards me distroyed me and I let the fat invade my body as if I was giving it up. Finally my husband avowed I was scaring him being so high in his opinion.
The fitness of my body is a new worry for me now, and I realize what I missed during all these years of doubts. Being one year older is of no help now, for it is not the overweight that is on my mind by now, but the wrinkles on my face and the slackness of my skin. Nobody can actually compete with the wheel of time. I won't do much better than others. I am happy in a sense we have never met: I can still fancy you can think I am better looking than I do. But I guess you are no fool and feel better with younger girls with less worries and all their life in front of them. Shall I become more sensible being one year older?
Of that I am not sure...