Australia is so far away !!!

I am wondering if I will ever have the opportunity to go back there.
My husband is doing so fine after the operation, which is a very good thing. In some way he has realized he has to be careful in the future, especially with drinking alchohol, which satisfies me. He is less violent and more pleasant to live with. He is not allowed travelling far from home till the next visit to the oncologist's. My daughter would have liked us to spend the week-end of his 70th birthday in Barcelone, but this, too, had to be cancelled. It is of little importance if he is doing well at present. Health prevails !
There have been a few changes at Bo's. Krusty is now working on the radio with Adam, each morning from 6am. He had to give his place to Dan on Wednesdays. Sometimes Amy, also from the radio, has to do the job at Bo's.
Worse, the radio is no longer broadcast after the show is over. I had noticed I could no longer read the file of the radio on my computer after closing time, but didn't really cared for it, as Marty had left and summertime was on. I found it better to stop listening to this radio knowing he was away, and put on the Spirit radio in Geraldton instead. I knew it was not his show and had no chance to hear him, but it made me feel closer to him in some way.
Then again, I thought it was better too taking profit of the hot evenings and not stay stuck at the computer as previous.
In the past, Marty would spend over one hour at his console after closing time, programming night hours of songs for the radio. I stayed watching him and listening to what he was programming and had a few good surprises. Sometimes none, I must confess ...
I had the surprise to hear a few of "our" songs on Spirit even if I had no clue about who was doing the programming. Then it stopped, and I enjoyed the summer days more.
I had the opportunity to have pictures engraved in plastic plates last August, and had a keyholder made this way with the photo of Marty featuring on his radio page.I thought this would be a nice birthday present.
Marty was no longer replying my e-mails and still refused to have me as a friend on his FaceBook. He has added some more friends and has 121 by now, but not me !
Nevermind I couldn't prevent sending him messages.
When it was time to send the parcel to him, I added a bithday card to the keyholder along with a newspaper clip showing the French team, worldchampion in Australian football with seven players from my place. I thought he would cherish getting all this.
I checked out for the address of the radio in Geraldton and found in awe Marty no longer was on it. I checked again on the web for him in no use. Marty has disappeared. When ? I still don't know.
He seemed so happy to have a show of himself on a radio as he didn't manage to go on the radio of Alice Springs. I didn't care much as I had on my mind visiting Western Australia next, the only part of Australia I have never been to. I fancied waiting for him at the end of his show one day. But now ? Where has he gone to ?
He doesn't seem to be on any radio in Australiaz as I checked out into all of them.
He may be back to entertaining people in a club as he did at Bo's.
I can't ask anybody for the answer. Dan seems reluctant to answer any question concerning Marty and never replying to my last e-mail. I don't want to lose that one, so I won't bother him again.
Krussty is my friend now on FaceBook but not to Marty. A girl who used to go to Bo's is my friend now. Her name reminds me of the girl Marty used to dedicate my songs to as he got my requests. He did that a whole evening. I heard to Sherry, or wondered if it was not Chérie: same pronounciation. I thought he was fooling me, but wonder now if it was not a way to dedicate songs to me as he was no longer calling my name out at that time. He used such tricks before.
Anyway, I sent the parcel to the radio address in Geraldton and wrote to them afterwards as if aware of my blunder all of a sudden. I asked them to forward the parcel to Marty if possible, or letting me know to where it should be re-directed. Apparently they are not responding. The thing must have reaches WA by now.
I wrote twice Marty letting him know a parcel was on its way for his birthday. He never replied of course. I hope he has not warned the radio people to send it back to sender as simple as that !
I know I made mistakes sending him things as I did. It scared him for sure.
He used to play that song by James Morrison each time he got a present from me:
"You give me something, it scared me alright"
" You would wait for hours just to spend a few moments with me"
When he realized I had got his personal address using the white pages he drew out from them.
I can no longer find out his new one.
The only link between him and me is that FaceBook. A frail one indeed. He can't have access to my page and watch my photos and I don't have access to his. I just can send him messages I know he can read for part of them appears on Yahoo mail. As he said once he was not writing my e-mails I know he can at least see a few lines, the beginning of the message. I try to let him know the more I can in a few words. Silly !
I am aware now that if I ever go back to OZ one of these days I have little chance meeting him as I have dreamed for so long.
I know now for sure he was in love with me. This love became too strong for him to bear as he was aware he would "never be" with me (James Blunt ). Marty knows he has not the money mu husband has to provide me with the good living I have. I was silly letting him know about Paris and Monte Carlo and my meeting with stars. But I wanted to share all with him !
He called himself a "meer DJ" once. And I must have in mind how he flew away to Sydney as soon as he knew I was arriving in Alice Springs. He never took so long a vacation in three years.
He asked me once what I meant by "impossible love". I guess it was that.
I am so much older and wealthier too. He struggles for a living and I spend my time in my sports clubs, playing tennis and golf and doing fitness.
Anyway, I still love him.
I know I would not be happy living with him. He has a bad temper at times and is so much concern with work anf earning money. A tormented soul too and his Baptist background doesn't help him either.
Yes Australia is far, far away. The web is a good place but it has its limits.
I am at a loss these days. May be I will have to resolve upon turning the page on Marty. I can't still do it ...

A life of disappointments.

I think my Australian dream has come to its end.
My husband has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and will have an operation next September. The trip we were to make to Canada and the States has been canceled and I guess another trip to Australia will never be made possible. He said he was not feeling too good during our last stay and would not be able to do another long distance trip again. Unfortunately he seemed to be too right saying it.
Marty is in Geraldton by now and I finally found out on which radio he is working at present. But again his morning show is not on the web. One positive thing was to find him on FaceBook among the friends I was supposed to know. Alas he denied my invitation to join me on my page. Dan did sponteanously. But I can still be with him when I connect to Bo's. He is very present there doing more nights now.
I can't refrain from sending Marty e-mails from time to time giving him sports updates as I used to do. It was hard to watch the French Open in tennis this year not being able to share my comments with him. Same with the Tour which has just ended. He is such a fan of these two events !
I have downloaded all the favorite songs he used to play when a DJ at Bo's. I seldom listen to them by now when tuned to this site. I don't know if it is a good thing ...
My girl is here for a few weeks, but she is not in the mood of spending the whole of her holidays with us and is speaking of leaving after the 15th of August. I need her company so much especially as I am so concerned with my husband's health. But she says she has to live her own life. It is so selfish on her part as she lives most of the year far from home and she went to so many places last: Madeira Island, London, Normandy, etc ... I thought she could take four weeks in our company without feeling she was sacrifying too much for us.
What is the use of being kind to everyone if it brings you disappointments all the time.
It is hard for me to cope with all here being lonesome: no friends nor relatives to give me a hand.
Living with someone who is losing his mind, not being to be able to handle a mobile phone, nor a remote control, and who has no logic into his conversation is not easy. Marty knew all this of course, and strange enough it did me good to know he was with me for a few hours. I can't hide it, I miss him so much. I must face the truth: he has not taken me into his luggage on leaving for Geraldton.
The friends I had in Australia dropped me too these last months. Both girls were so nice for some time and I could have people to talk to and express my feelings. Gone with the wind !
Summertime and the beach to enjoy. I do have to shake myself up in some way or other. But my heart is broken for sure.

That's life !

Long time since I wrote in this blog.
Months of doubts and of unanswered questions.
I tried to get to know if you had got my presents sent to you, Marty. No use !
You kept as if you were ignoring me, though at times I could guess you were replying me in some way. I was not sure you were wearing my bracelet. In fact you started wearing this black strap on your wrist precisely at the time you were supposed to have received my parcel. And when I didn't connect myself to your site as I usually did you took it off. When I did it the previous way you put it on again on the next day. How strange !
It is a year ago since you shouted my name for the last time. Something had you make up your mind to stop communicating as you used to. The boss may be. Or even Steve. I acted silly when this one did your job for a few days. I wanted to let him know I knew plenty about your and your family and this time he was not as friendly as previous. He just ignored me. He may not have appreciated your having told so much about your private life to a regular listener.
I had to be very careful into my e-mails knowing the boss was reading them all. I stopped confiding into you as Iused to, just giving you sports updates or weather forecasts ... Very frustrating indeed.
I started to do something new: watching you leave the venue on the camera of the dining-room. I noticed you had your bike kept inside. I teased you about your biker's equipment and you started making a show putting on your helmet and gloves. This made me laughed and I wrote it to you. And suddenly the bike disappeared from the place. No more show ! I guess the boss had something to do with it again. You even waved to camera once on closing the door. I am sure it was directed to me.
Well on last Valentine's Day you said the next week-end would your last. A big blow on my head.
In fact you stayed a bit longer for the new DJ was not ready to handle the computer on his own yet. The latter still has problems with the technology but, well, he is not doing too badly, entertaining a bit like you.
I hope you would say a word to me before leaving, but you didn't. On the very last day I phoned. You didn't hang up but said you couldn't hear a thing.
You lied ! On the two following days I phoned Krusty and Dan, and they both could hear me perfectly well. You said you had chosen "Soundz of Freedom " by Bob Sinclar as a farewell song.
Bob of course ! That was for me.
I chose "Wish You Well" by Bernard Fanning instead and you played it twice on that day. In fact you changed your mind following you I asked from you. It was your farewell song. You stopped a second staring at the camera on leaving the booth. Same thing on leaving the place.
You said you might be away just for a while and that you may drop in from time to time and you said "See you soon" thrice before leaving. That gave me hopes of seing you again one of these days, but these hopes are thinning fast by now.
Dan said you had left for Geraldton, WA. I heard you say you were to have a radio show. Something you had dreamt of for long. I know you had Steve doing tests twice to take your place. That didn't work and he worked for the local newspaper for a short while.
Geraldton is 400 Kms from Perth and your family. The land of your ancestors !
Neither Dan, nor Krusty could give me the name of the radio.
It took me a whole month of tracking you down before I found out you were on Spirit. A morning show from 6am to noon.
I could see a new picture of you and could see your face for the first time ! Lol !
You may not know I have finally found out all this. I won't let you know. I have already sent you e-mails to your private address. Of course, you never replied any and won't in the future. But I will do it again from time to time. I don't even know if your read them, but I want you to know I am sticking around.
Geraldton is a sea resort a bit like my own place. It is different from Alice Springs and more pleasant to live in. The town of the desert must be boring after a few years. Not much to do save working and meeting tourists !
You are closer to your family too.
And the hours suit you better. It was hard for you at times entertaining parties late into the morning hours. You told me how it took your energy away. You are over 40 now !
So there is little chance you will ever come back to the Alice one day.
Unfortunately your show is not broadcast on the web. It is the one by another presenter which is. No chance to hear your voice again. The hours are just the ones I am fast asleep here.
I am happy though with knowing where you are and what you do.
The strange thing is that my husband said that if he ever wanted to go back to Australia it would be touring WA ! We could even plan it for next year ! Should I be able to go to the radio station at the end of your show to surprise you ? My dream now.
For the present it is a trip to Canada and the Sates ahead for me. The idea doesn't bring me joy though. I miss you too much.
Kathy in Canada is no longer bothering me with her chats about Jesse. She said at times all was over with that one but keeps shouting she is in love with me on the site of Answers. My opinion is low on that one and I was so silly chatting with this bloke. It ruined my relationship with you Marty, that I know. You didn't appreciated my chatting with another man. You were jealous and it might have given you a bad idea of me. I was so much at a loss when you said you had that new girlfriend. I knew it wouldn't last and I am sure it didn't.
You made me jealous too hugging and kissing a girl a year ago. But I am sure you did it on purpose at the time you had taken your decision to put a break to our relatioship as it were.
I am selfish in some way. You know you don't have much to expect from me. I am married and you can't bring me the high standard of living I have. You changed too when you got the photo of Laure with Nadal. Pierre asked me if I wanted a divorce to go and live with you knowing the answer. I love him, but it is hard to stand his bouts of anger and his violence especially when he has drunk ! He is mentally confused at times and that scares me much. But you are both in my heart.
I just have to dry my tears which is hard at times when I am connected to the venue. I watch the door of the dining-room when the bar is closed and feel depressed. My love for you won't go away even if you did.
I just have to wait for what the future will bring me. In some way I am still confident even if it sounds silly.

Spoilt relationships.

I am not sure I will be back to Australia as soon as I wished. I am at a loss by now.
Mixed feelings have taken the place of my strong determination.
In fact I don't know what to do.
I spent these last two years living in a dream.
Marty and the Bojangles mastered my life and my everyday preoccupations. But, now, what am I going to do ? I guess I have lost a friend and someone even said Marty never was a friend.
Hard to believe though.
It is true I have been puzzled for months by the change that occured in his behavior last April.
He has stopped calling my name since then and worse, hung up each time I tried to have him on the phone. I just wanted to know if he had got the two last parcels I had sent him, not in my mind wanting to bother him with more.
I still don't know the fate of these two, but a letter with an article on the Aussie rugby team in my place during the last World Cup was returned to me, not at this address. Well I redirected it to his personal address, just to see whether he had got it and refused to take it, or if he had never had been given that one.
Amazingly he seemed to try to keep in touch though, even lately, playing my songs as he got the requests. He even mentioned on the mike a few sports events I was talking about on sending my requests. I had in mind and told him I would carry on doing as if all was as previous and would be satisfied by it.
But as I was expressing my doubts about his having got the letter, his boss sent me an e-mail saying it was clear Marty didn't want to build up a friendship as I had done with Dan.
She wants to protect her employees from any form of harassment. It was hard for me to read all that.
Marty was the one who paid much attention to me even before I was back in Australia for the second time. He has a strange attitude staying away from town as I was there for a fortnight. He had doubts about what Iwas expecting from him, just a DJ doing his job. Lol ! I was not expecting anything, just eager to meet someone who had been so nice and so caring.
Back home he was the one who started the e-mailing telling me so much about his private life.
We enjoyed some wonderful moments together watching the sports events of the time.
Everyday brought us closer and I let him know about some painful experiences I had in my past, and my present worries.
Each time I was feeling depressed I knew I could rush to him. He never let me down at that time.
The e-mailing went to an end due to his boss, as he said to me and I believed him. Dan said they were not allowed to use the computer at work for personal matters. Easy to understand.
Was it just that he was pulling out of the relationship with me ? I was left wondering, especially when he said to me on the phone he had got a new girlfriend. It was of no consequence for me though.
We resumed as we used to do before my visit to his place. It was hard at first for I was still expectine an e-mail from him as before, but slowly I took the habit again of listening carefully to what he said, looking for the tleast hint concerning me. And I must say I was much cared of with songs.
I acted silly though thinking I has found someone in LA who could take Marty's place. I was so naive. I met on the web a cheater, an ex-gangster, someone to be avoided by any means. I rushed back to my first shelter, but by then things changed all of a sudden. Why ?
I thought of the influence of a new girlfriend, of his brother's now living by him, but not of the boss.
What I learnt last week is that the boss had her part behind the scene.
May be Marty realized he had gone too far and backed from this relationship of two years. He may just want to secure his job and that doesn't mean he is not in the same mood as previous. It is my husband's opinion. The latter even mentioned an act of jealousy. Hard to believe, but why not ?
The boss said she reads all that I write while sending my requests. I just can't let my thoughts out as before.
I sent e-mails to Marty's house, but I am not sure he read them. He has never replied me and won't, that I know. Coward as men can be in such situations.
It is rude though not letting me know if he had got the parcels I sent months ago.
Worse, I need my hours in his company, but it will be hard listening to him without saying anything.
I will have to be patient, I guess. Wait and see !

Spoilt Relationships.

November 19th, 2007.

I have not been writing for long. Just because I was not in the mood.
I spent hours everyday chatting with the girl in Canada. She wanted to know more of Jesse, but , in fact, she was abusing me at imes for she knows more than me about this man. She is totally blined by love and doesn't want to follow my advice, though she keeps asking for them.
I had a break during summer for she went to Chili on holidays. On her coming back home she said she was no longer allowed by her boss to chat at work. It seemed I heard that excuse more than once from my friends. First, Marty. Then Jesse. Now Kathy.
The latter said she would use e-mails instead and didn't send any.
I was having wonderful moments, being wih my daughter for 5 weeks, going to the beach and having friends from Paris visiting us. So not hearing from Kathy was of no bother.
Before she left for Chili I answered one of her questions on Q&A Jesse saw. He blocked my access to his account following this. As he has another account and seemed to use it during these summer weeks, I could still find out what was on his mind at that time.
But he is not using it by now and Kathy made her Q&A private for weeks. Thus I couldn't check the veracity of their words. I got mad and decided it was time to move on from these two.
Unfortunately Kathy resumed her chatting every evening as I would have liked to watch TV and relax after a visit to the Bojangles on the web. But she seems to understand I am not in the mood of replying her much , and she is not bothering me as previous. She said she spent a week-end in LA with a friend to meet Jesse and that the relationship has grown stronger since.
Well, my mind went back to Australia and I have met two new ladies there, Erica and Marcya.
One is 36 and having a divorce from her 10 year younger husband. Worse she had breast cancer and the latter left her for another woman when she was having her second chemo. She is living in Bunbery, south of Perth. Now the cancer is into her liver and she is again on chemo. She has less time left for me and that I can understand.
Marcya lived in Nebo on the mining fields of Queensland. Her job over she is back home in Mareeba, near Cairns where her three sons live. She is 51 and separated from her mate on going back home. He too was ten years younger. Lol !
I made up my mind to stick to Australia again, but things turned so badly between Marty and I.
His Xmas present was returned to me in April and I sent it back. As I was getting no news from Marty and as he seemed ignoring me as in the worst days of our relationship, I decided to phone him and ask about the present. The first time he said he was busy and couldn't talk. The webcam was not on and on having it roll I could see Marty was with a new DJ, expalining him the job.
I had fears this one should take his place. In fact he did the job for two days. But, no, he is working on the radio by now.
I decided t wait for a few days before calling again.
Marty did as if he was not hearing me, and I saw him put down the phone set on the console, leaving me shouting hello in no use. I saw him talk with a man and thought the latter ghad disturbed him.
I tried again later on and, this time, on hearing me say "Mary's calling", he just hung up !!!
What a shock ! It was in June.
I spent a few days in Paris and was waiting for Laure's visit. I tried to forget about all this and for a while just went to Bo's on the web when Dan was there. I refrained from sending anything to Marty when he was at Bo's for a few weeks, but he seemed to try and pay attention to me through songs, I resumed as previous. Dan got his birthday gift late in June and thanked me. He is always nice to me that one !!!
Marty seemed to be with me playing my favorite songs as he was getting my requests. But one day he was with a girl, hugging and kissing in front of the camera. He had never done that before and I got a real shock ! Previous he had mentioned a girlfriend named Stacy. It seemed he was no longer with Clare.
I answered him I found his behaviour silly if that was the reason why he was ignoring me and acted so rudely towards me. He kept doing it for a while and, then again, came back as before with the songs.
His trick at that time was to play Bob Sinclar as he knew of me being tuned, followed by Paris Avenue. It was like a code. As I was busy with friends and enjoying summertime and the beach, I was less at the computer. I remembered how last year Marty didn't appreciate my going to the beach instead of being with him till his leaving Bo's. But things had changed so much by then !
I thought of myself silly carrying on sending requests and telling him about my everyday life.
He had not sent me an e-mail till the last one early Nov.2006. He had stopped speaking to me on his mike nor called my name since April ... I feared the upcoming wintertime knowing I would have to spend so many hours listening to Bo's.
In September, just as in 2006, his brother arrived in Alice Springs. I was happy to welcome him, but instead he ignored me. Lol ! When I think how last year he wanted to say hello to me on arriving. He did the job for Marty for a few days and I feraed he would take the place of that one at the console. I talked to him sending e-mails, hoping he would reply, but no. That too hurt me.
I think Steve has found a job in the Alice. Last year Marty told me his brother might do the job for him at Bo's, but it didn't work apparently. This time neither. Thanks God ! But it seems as if Steve didn't return to Sydney this time. I don't know what he is doing though.
around that time Marty started to play my requests as soon as he got them dedicating them to a "chérie" or was it Sheryl ? It lasted for a whole week. I was wondering if there could be another girl in the world asking for the same songs at the same momemt. Erica, Marcya and even Pierre, said he was meaning me. Who knows ! Stacy vanished and he has never mentioned this girl since July.
The Rugby World Cup Started with matches played in Montpellier by the Aussies who were accomodated here for the whole length of the tournament. I gave Marty some results. He even tried and reply me speaking of soccer and rugby, but again without calling my name. He played my songs for a French lady listening on th eweb, or by request, or for the French , or almost anything but Mary.
I had a strange feeling one evening watching France vs Italy in soccer.: Marty was by my side.
The following day he said he woke up early to watch that match ! Lol ! I thought I was back into the last World Cup of 2006.
I knew his birthday was coming soon and as he was paying attention to me in his own way, I bought two sweaters for him and sent him two cards, one for him and one for his brother. They were born on the same day. I was still ignoring if he had got his Xmas present. But well, he was looking so nice by the time !!!
Then I decided to phone him to know abot the parcel. I thought his bad mood of Spring was well over and that I could take the chance to chat with him on the phone. He did again as if he was not hearing me and just hung up again. I called Dan who could speak for a while even saying he would make his own enquiry and write me an e-mail. In fact he never did it....
I then phoned Marty anew expecting he would speak this time. He did telling me he was too busy for a cht and was not in the mood of talking about the parcel. He hung up again leaving me hurt and despairing.
I wrote to him I was hurt by his rude behaviour and that I thought better iof him.
I stopped for a while writing to him, but made up my mind on letting him know I was no fool and that I knew of his ignoring me for months. I said I was just pretending all was as before and would stil do it.
So I send his requests with messages as I have been doing for over two years.
Suddenly I noticed he was wearing a black strap on his wrist. I still can figure out what it is. I sent a braclet as a Xmas present: a black rubber one. He had not been wearing anything for all these past months. But after my last call and what I told him he stopeed wearing it. When he knew I would still be sending messages he had again on his wrist. But I am not sure it is my bracelet.
All I know is that he plays my favorite songs and that he is getting nuts when they are French people in the place. He even played a song about flying to a "dirty boulevard" as Bo's was closing. I live on a boulevard. He once said he knew some French words: brunette and boulevard. I am a brunette.
I will still be with him as I have always been. I am not expecting much though. I am sure I am still on his mind. He refuses to acknowledge it may be. He si still scared about the feeling. I am confident in the future.
The only problem is that next year there will be the trip to Canada and the States. It will be hard for me to convince my husband to go back to Australia as we are going to pay for that trip.
Wait and see !

Australian Dream

Back to the other side of the world.

I have stopped writing for a few months having received a big blow on my head after my last posting.
Jesse wrote a mail begging me not to answer the girl who was going to get in touch with me.
according to him she was his ex who had got his details and he was going to warn all his contacts in an emergency. The latter, "a sneaker", was going to tell me lies and may even say she is his wife, and I was supposed not to tell anything to her concerning him and his family.
As I had started to have doubts about is being moved into another department and not having access to his private emails anymore, and as his scare mails sounded less expressing his love for me as he used to do, I replied to the girl to find out in stupefaction that she was a 24 something living in Canada.
I did the mistake , but was it one ?, to add Jesse into my contacts on March 28th and that girl found out about me.
She was not, of course, the mother of his kids, just a girl he met in Q&A in November answering her question about broken hearts.
He started to declare his love to her, and she found out about another woman he was chatting with in December of last year.
I don't really know what he was telling that other one, but apparently it made that Canadian girl mad, for she broke the relationship with Jesse as soon as she had gotten in touch with her.
It is precisely by that time that I met Jesse. I found out that as he was telling me about his love, and how he would do all he could to have us living together, he was doing all his best to win that girl back.
I had been cheated on all along.
But the worse thing is that he said almost the same thing to her: I was a liar and she had better keep away from me.
He had introduced himself to her as a single man with no children.
Kathy, yes, that's her name, kept asking me if Jesse had children and was not believing me.
He told her he was making fun with me, and fancied his having kids because I was a mother. Lame excuse ?
He told her I was just a friend he was chatting with, but nothing like a lover.
I had to do something I hated to do: forward her all the mails he had sent me, telling about Lisa and Jesse Jr and about his readiness, willingness and ability to live with me. I cried a lot rereading all his love words, just to find out he was telling the same ones to Kathy in the mean time. The latter even called them "Jesse"s quotes". Lol !
He said he had never cheated upon her, for I was a mere friend for him, and if he told me such words, it was because he pitied me not having an active sexual life. He wanted to make me happy this way.
Kathy has started IMing me everyday since that day of March.
We have been perusing his answers and questions since, and also his past ones previous to our meeting with him.
I let her know how I found out he introduced himself as a happily married man with children, confused because attracted to another woman. He gave me something that sounded like a lame excuse. He wanted to gain more points by saying it. He gave Kathy the same excuse once. Winning points !!!
Of course, he got mad at me for having answered Kathy and said very nasty things to me, how I could have been stupid at my age to believe what a stranger was telling me on the web.
I replied that he had been stupid to believe that I would leave my husband and my high standard of living for a mere worker in LA.
I spent a fortnight fighting with him through emails and chatting with Kathy on Messenger.
Kathy doesn't want Jesse to know I am in touch with her. He keeps warning her to stay away from me and he said she didn't like me either.
I stopped playing that loser/winner game after I replied to his saying I would never meet another one like him. God preserve me from it ! was my reply. Preserve me from meeting again such a liar and a cheater !
I called him winner with much irony.
I discovered what being a Sureno means. I read all about these gangs and what one has to perform to become a member. I also found out the meaning of the spider tattooed on his forearm. Prison time.
Kathy knows all this and is not scared by such a past studying psychology and working in a delinquent home. It is as if she wanted to save that lost soul.
The only thing that seems to bother her is the fact that he may have children.
He sent her a photo of himself and he is overweight, due to his diabetes, I guess. Well, she got a new one lately and he has lost weight.
She herself is suffering from juvenile arthritis and a lupus. Her bad state of health led to hospital a few weeks ago.
She is of Chilean origin and they both share an Hispanic background they are very proud of.
Anyway she has been spending days asking me for advice. Should she give him a second chance ? He calls her, emails her everyday, begs her to come back and even to come to LA and marry him.
What can I say to that ?
I can easily admit I was a fool cheated on for months. It hurts a lot, but if it is the actual thing, I can't stay blind any longer.
Kathy seems to think she is the only one he is not lieing to. Anyway she had to admit she got a blow on her head when he finally acknowledged to her that I was more than a friend. So she didn't even believed what she was reading ! Lol !
She finally told me Jesse has two accounts on Q&A. He met her on the other one. It can expalin why he was not visiting his Q&A during the week-ends. He was on the other account from which he was emailing Kathy unknowingly from me.
He has not used that one for four months, but has recently added a new friend, a Miss V... , into his contacts.
He is adding girls into his contacts by now, something he had never done previously. The last added is Kathy who then thinks it is a proof of his love for her, not keeping her into the hiding anymore. That one is a complete fool !
Jesse now wants to meet her family in Canada previous to a wedding. Her mother and older sister don't mind his past too much, and agree to give him a second chance.
In my opinion, it is not only a second chance, but a third as she already gave him a second chance after they broke in December, following her discovery of another woman.
I also put the stress on the quality of his answers, mostly about sex, oral and anal.
She is a virgin but that doesn't shock her.
Lately he answered a girl who wanted to know what boys would like her to wear. He said "butt naked and waiting for me". I would not like my man answering that to a girl even in a virtual world, but that she doen't mind. In fact, that's precisely what he keeps telling her. What does she know about sodomy ? She avowed me that he begs her for photos of her breasts and naked butt. That man is mentally sick ! A real pervert ! But the virgin doesn't mind. She finds it natural that he desires her that way, a proof of his love.
She wanted to know if he ever asked me for such pictures. I told her that if he tried and spoke sex to me I had him stop and how romantic his speeches were afterwards.
But I kept silent concerning him for weeks. I still checked into his Q&A to get to know him better, and also to have matter to discuss with Kathy.
He sent an SOS to the Yahoo people saying a fifty plus was after him even having blocked all emails from her. Two girls replied being rude towards me and I had to contact them to explain the situation and who that Sureno is actually. They both apologized and we are still in contact.
I didn't write to him though.
Finally he answered one of his new contacts' questions, talking of a fool, playing with two girls, taking them as booty calls, and that not wanting to hurt one he advised th eother to forward the latter all the mails she has got from that fool and thus catch him into his act. Lol ! That's too much !
I couldn't help jump on one of that Chiquita's questions to make allusions that in fact Sureno was talking of himself on mentioning that fool. No reaction on either sides.
I asked a question on avatars as he replied to Kathy's question on goatee and beard. I added I prefered a clean-shaven one for in this expression there is the word "clean". Adding comments to my question, I said avatars are a best way to hide reality from others and even having children.
Jesse read all this, and advised Kathy to tell me not to answer any of her questions anymore.
But the latter begged me to answer one about being loved or not. I reluctantly replied.
She then asked questions about loving a man and he replied he loved one dearly too. She was in heaven !
But I made her notice he answered a question about being with an older women, 16 yeras older, and he said he didn't mind if he fell for her. She eluded that one. He asked another one about girls in bikini. He used to say i should be a knock out in my bikini as I was telling him of my wearing one on so many days.
I am sure he has still got me on his mind, and didn't reply to Kathy's last questions especially willing to know about giving up all in life for the sake of her lover. Weird !
She has made up her mind on going back to him by now. I wish her good luck !
I have wasted too much time with these two.
I told Jesse in my last mail that I had already moved on and had found a new friend in New Zealand, a nice man, not in the hiding, sending me pictures of is family. Brian is really nice indeed. I enjoy our chatting together. He is 60, recently divorced, and a loving father.
So I am back to the other side of the world.
But all this sad story has ruined my relationship with Marty.
He was obviously jealous hearing of Jesse, and played songs dealing with California, and went as far as welcoming the people in California, especially a girl there, who were wakening up as he was leaving Bo's.
I quickly stopped speaking of jesse, ashamed of myself.
Then I told him of my new friend in New Zealand. Marty has been ignoring me since. I keep on doing as if I were not aware of it. I feel hurt though, and I am wondering if he is still with Clare. On my last phone call, month ago he said they should meet when she is finished with her exams.
He has been away twice for long week-ends lately, but I am not too sure it was for him to meet her. I should phone him, but not yet though.
He seems to be back to better feelings concerning me, playing Bob Sinclar again, Sean Paul and even Paris Avenue "From Paris to Berlin". Of course, he didn't say it was for me, but he spoke of a French lady and of French people, something he had not done for weeks.
I understood something yesterday. Dan played a song by Evermore. I requested it quite often at the end of the parties after having told Marty about Brian. I was not aware this groups was from New Zealand, till Marty added once that Mary decidedly loved these guys from New Zealand.
I asked Brian who confirmed me these boys are from a village south of Auckland.
Marty can have such weird reactions at my telling him about other boys. That may be the reason of his actual behavior. That may be not.
I am back to the other side of the world but not happy by Marty's attitude. I have got to win him back by any means. It will take me a lot of patience that I know. It has not been the first time he has acted that way and has always come back to me. But, lol, not as long as by now.
This side of the world is safer though !

Australian Dream.

Cheated ?.

What a bad day again after so many in a row !
I have not heard from Jesse for nearly a week.
In fact, all went wrong after I had told him about what I read in his Q&A, his being lappily married and his wife and kids being all that counts in the world. Well, I spent hours checking out into his questions and answers, and he never mentioned that again. He said he was on his own on Valentine's Day as he told he was. He spoke of being heartbroken. He comforted me saying he would have a girlfriend of his mother's age, a plump one with breasts and a big behind. Most of all, the personality of the girl prevails over the physical in his opinion. He also spoke much of respecting the woman in a relationship. he said all that previous to meeting me on the web.
I realized I could be the perfect one for him and I started believing all he said to me.
But the day following my saying what Ijhad found out in Q&A, he did not welcome me as usual on resuming his work at the airport. I had to wait till late into the evening to get a first mail telling me he had to move into another department and did not access to his emails, the computers being filtered there. The first time he was speaking of his being moved into somewhere else in two months. In a second mail he said he was not married and said that to attract people's attention, and have them reply for him to gain more points.
I was relieved and decided to carry on with the relationship without asking myself anymore questions.
But during that week I only got mails too late at night to reply them. In fact each day it was just one to wish me a good night. The last I got on the Thursday morning,which means that for the rest of the day he did try to keep in touch.
I waited anxiously on the following Monday to get a first message from him and got none.
The following morning I broke down very deep, for on one hand he said he would be unable to email me being in a new department, and on the other hand I found out he was answering questions in Q&A, even saying to a redhaired girl he loved her.
Once again he had sent that one too late for me to get it before bedtime.
I waited later on in the evening of that Tuesday, as I had got nothing and he had got one point for visiting Q&A, I sent two questions of my own asking if aa life was worth being lived without love and another equivalent adding I was in despair finding love.
I got an instant email from him sounding angry that I could have written that as he had said so many times he loved me so much. He sounded till very angry in a second one and then he started sending mail upon mail telling me how much I meant to him.
I trusted him anew, though I was puzzled that he could email me all of a sudden after having told he would no longer be able to.
The following day, last Wednesday he resumed his loving messages. He said he would climb high mountains to be united to me, the sky being the limit. He wrote twice in capital letters he was ready,willing and able.
Was not it the lost beautiful thing a poor woman like me could listen to ?
The next day, after a few nice welcoming mails he said he had again to go to another department, not being sure he would have access to emails. It was last Thursday midafternoon here and since I have not heard from him.
He has never sent the picture of his he had promised me to send.
I can't help wonder that after my discovery of his pseudo marriage, he had to be in another department quite often. And he still visit Q&A on resuming work each morning.
I am thinking that it is a good way to escape from the relationship softly as I have emailed him less and less knowing he would not answer me if he ever read the messages I wrote.
I feel like having been cheated all along.
In a sense, Marty being rather nice these days, I am back as previously,still suffering he is not trying to get in touch and drop a line out of work. But, he sighed a "oh, Mary!" so explicit last Sunday and played so many songs in a row just for me. He talked to me saying I loved this boy, meaning the singer of Evermore I don't even know what he looks like. I though he was meaning himself the way he said it. Speaking of temperature he said something about hot and sweaty, still as if describing the way he was feeling at the moment.
Well, I may have been cheated on by Jesse, I still have my serious Marty.
If Jesse actually believed like this he is the worst bastard in the world, and, I, the stupiest of all girls !!!