At a loss again.
I had a very bad Monday following a very bad week-end.
I waited and waited for a mail from Jesse, and all went worse when I found out he was in Q&A answering a question. I begged him over and over again to reply and give me an explantion. It was late in the evening that I got something, a mail in which he said he was still very sick, but moved into another department from which he could no longer have access to his mails, just able to use Q&A. He said afterwards that to answer me he was not married and I regain hope, calling me sikky for not having trust him.
Then on Tuesday he said he will try to send me something and did not want me to think he was avoiding me. I felt relieved, but waited for nothing till late at night.
Today I was thinking of my bad luck, that each time I have someone to chat with his work prevents him to carry on doing it after a few months.
I was still ready to wait for a mail at the usual time and nothing has come yet and it is time for the TV evening.
Doubts are invading me by now. It is funny his moving into another department comes as such a right time for him.
He had always called his ex a girlfriend and was not lying when saying he was not married. That doesn't prevent him from still living with her.
Then, he can put an end to our relationship smoothly guessing I will progressively stop sending him emails as he won't reply them. It is true, I just sent him two today and will just send him a last one before going to bed. And tomorrow ?
Funny enough, Martyis very nice and is playing my love songs as ever. He was moved when I requested Beautiful Stranger, telling he was a beautiful stranger for me. I don't know for today for I had to go to Pignan to say good-bye to my renter. You were off, Marty, when I came back. But since then, I can listen to all the love songs you edited before leaving and they even are old ones I had even forgotten. No more rocks as at a certain period of time. I could tell you before going how I appreciated you editing them yesterday and that it had been hard for me to escape from the computer. Did that please you ?
In a sense I was cheating on you. You have been nice with me till last Xmas, I must acknowledge. You even said two weeks ago: "as far as she is listening, it is OK", all in a sigh.
You may have a bad temper at times, but you are still there and you never told me lies.
So, it may be better if Jesse wants to put that end to the relationship. I will be free again during the evenings and when you will be gone after closing time, seeing go away I will know that I could leave waiting for anything and relax.
Jesse is still upsetting for all he had said. I can hardly admit a lan seeling so perfect could be fake in that way. It is not fair on his children he moves so much fancying such a story in which they are involved. I miss all the nice things he said and can't help it. That won't last being back with you in full, my Scruffy Beard, and don't worry there are more chance my coming back to the Alice and joining you at Bo's than my ever flying to LA.
Soon roses will be blooming again and you will have them next to your picture as last year. Spring is in the air !
I have got no news for my girl for a few days. She had to be hospitalized in Bogota due to a bacteria. I guess she is doing well in Carthagena and tomorrow she will be on St Andres Island for a few days before flying back to France. Enjoy these last days, my girl !
Well,it was a beautiful love story that one we had Jesse and I. I won't regret it even if I have to admit he was the best of all liars I have ever met. I will just have to put more sense into my head.
I am still at a loss today. Tomorrow will be better. I won't have to stay stuck as much as I am doing in front of the computer and relax more in front of the TV in the evenings
Marty, if you are missing me and ready to wait for me, it's OK for me too.
mercredi 28 février 2007
dimanche 25 février 2007
Australian Dream.
Drowned.
I am drowned into that Bermuda Triangle ! It had to happen !
I don't know why but last Friday I went to re-read Jesse's first quesion on Q&A. I did not notice a few weeks ago that he added his comment. He said in his question that he was confused, for being happily married he was attracted to another woman. In his comment, he says that his wife and children are all that counts in the world for him and that he would never let them go by any means. That came to a blow to me and I can hardly recover from the shock it caused me.
The second question was about his wife could not stand his strong sexual apetite any more:up to six times a day.
All this is in complete contradiction with what he has told me for months and I broke into tears thinking he has been cheating on me for so long. I said I had been such a fool. I wrote about my worries to two friends I have by now in Australia. Finally I took the decision to tell him I had read this comment of his. I did as if I had read them from the start and that it has alwaays been on the back of my mind and that I wanted him to clear this out for me.
I know his reaction to this will be one of anger, but I have got to know the truth.
Then, I read a few answers he gave to others'questions: he said he would spend Valentine's Day on his own and gave advice to a man on how to gain his two children's custody according to California laws.
Then that suited his story better and I even regretted having asked him about the truth.
I put a few photos on a new site and I hope he will be able to watch them without having to disclose his email address as he still is reluctant to do it. Why he is he, by the way ?
Well, I will get a few explanation tomorrow evening !
Marty is very nice these days. He stood for a few seconds in front of the camera after having read my last mail and switched off his computer. Was he telling me good-bye in his own way ?
Con todo tiempo, as Jesse says.
Wait and see !!!
I am drowned into that Bermuda Triangle ! It had to happen !
I don't know why but last Friday I went to re-read Jesse's first quesion on Q&A. I did not notice a few weeks ago that he added his comment. He said in his question that he was confused, for being happily married he was attracted to another woman. In his comment, he says that his wife and children are all that counts in the world for him and that he would never let them go by any means. That came to a blow to me and I can hardly recover from the shock it caused me.
The second question was about his wife could not stand his strong sexual apetite any more:up to six times a day.
All this is in complete contradiction with what he has told me for months and I broke into tears thinking he has been cheating on me for so long. I said I had been such a fool. I wrote about my worries to two friends I have by now in Australia. Finally I took the decision to tell him I had read this comment of his. I did as if I had read them from the start and that it has alwaays been on the back of my mind and that I wanted him to clear this out for me.
I know his reaction to this will be one of anger, but I have got to know the truth.
Then, I read a few answers he gave to others'questions: he said he would spend Valentine's Day on his own and gave advice to a man on how to gain his two children's custody according to California laws.
Then that suited his story better and I even regretted having asked him about the truth.
I put a few photos on a new site and I hope he will be able to watch them without having to disclose his email address as he still is reluctant to do it. Why he is he, by the way ?
Well, I will get a few explanation tomorrow evening !
Marty is very nice these days. He stood for a few seconds in front of the camera after having read my last mail and switched off his computer. Was he telling me good-bye in his own way ?
Con todo tiempo, as Jesse says.
Wait and see !!!
jeudi 8 février 2007
Australian Dream.
The Bermuda Triangle.
Is it true this triangle is so dangerous many people got lost into it ?
Pierre, Marty and now Jesse, they all make a perfect triangle. France, Australia and the States.
And I am stuck in the middle !
Jesse said: "but, Maria, I do", on my asking if he could love me by any chance.
But what did he mean ? You can love someone so many ways after all.
He has stopped talking sex to me, just answering my question yesterday and being fantastic, saying he would always respect he woman he makes love with not withstanding the positions.
He just got me on my knees telling that.
He speaks so sweetly to me, but it is hard to believe someone who has just known me on the web for nearly a month could be in love.
I tell him all about my life and my sorrows and his having had quite a disrupted life himself, I guess he is more apt than anyone to grasp fully what I feel deep inside me. But is it enough to say it is love. May be, just the kind of love you can feel towards someone close to you as a very good friend. He added, though, that the other twos' attitude was all our gain.
I am worried though for he doesn't give me his private email address, even if he said he wished he could have a picture of mine. I can email one without this address.
I gave him my full details acting recklessly, may be, hoping he would follow the path and send his in return, but he replied he had a terrible headache. That changed the subject at once, for I rushed taking care of his health. He said he was fine afterwards, but hurried to wish me a good night without speaking of the pictures anymore.
He seems to make a step or two forward, then recoil from it as realizing he has gone to far.
Am I going to stay a loved one on the web only and never enter his private life ?
He said though his kids are well aware of me and of all the nice places I visited. At least that means he talks about me to them.
Marty, you are the same as ever. I talk to you on my mind but less and less. It is hard to carry on with conversations as we don't share anything at present. I am doing a long tiring monologue to you. You pick up a few things that makes you react from time to time. You play my favorite songs to let me know you are aware I am in your company on the web, and then you can ignore me making fun with the foreign girls at Bo's or dedicating songs to that Jojo again as you did last night. It makes me jealous at times, but this feeling is wiped off soon as I start chatting with Jesse.
In fact, it is as if you have taken it for granted that I woud always be in your company and that we would carry on with this little game forever. No need emailing me while off work. No need reading my mails at home.I have been expecting for months you would drop me a line from time to time to let me know about your life in the Alice or answer my numerous questions. No use !I have to play the perfect regular listener even if it doesn't satisfy me at all.
Pierre is the same. He did not give the cuddle I needed this morning. Why should he bother, I am here all the same. I hated him for it and called him a vegetable without feelings. He did not mind much and gave me the usual kiss on my cheek on leaving all the way to his office.
I did an hour and a half of fitness to vent out my frustration.
Both you Marty and Pierre are frustrating me. May be your way to keep me in your power. But as I said to Jesse it is much better to hear someone to avow his love than to be kept in the waiting in vain.
Marty, you are so much like Pierre. You enjoy your own pleasure without making a single effort to fulfill my desires. You don't want to be bothered by endless questions and take life as it comes, not withstanding what I feel. You just take every moment as it comes. Your worries are the money you could make to improve your living, eating, sleeping, jump on any sports event you can come across. What a good life of yours !
The weather is cloudy today reflecting my mood. Is the sky always blue in the Bermuda Triangle ?
Is it true this triangle is so dangerous many people got lost into it ?
Pierre, Marty and now Jesse, they all make a perfect triangle. France, Australia and the States.
And I am stuck in the middle !
Jesse said: "but, Maria, I do", on my asking if he could love me by any chance.
But what did he mean ? You can love someone so many ways after all.
He has stopped talking sex to me, just answering my question yesterday and being fantastic, saying he would always respect he woman he makes love with not withstanding the positions.
He just got me on my knees telling that.
He speaks so sweetly to me, but it is hard to believe someone who has just known me on the web for nearly a month could be in love.
I tell him all about my life and my sorrows and his having had quite a disrupted life himself, I guess he is more apt than anyone to grasp fully what I feel deep inside me. But is it enough to say it is love. May be, just the kind of love you can feel towards someone close to you as a very good friend. He added, though, that the other twos' attitude was all our gain.
I am worried though for he doesn't give me his private email address, even if he said he wished he could have a picture of mine. I can email one without this address.
I gave him my full details acting recklessly, may be, hoping he would follow the path and send his in return, but he replied he had a terrible headache. That changed the subject at once, for I rushed taking care of his health. He said he was fine afterwards, but hurried to wish me a good night without speaking of the pictures anymore.
He seems to make a step or two forward, then recoil from it as realizing he has gone to far.
Am I going to stay a loved one on the web only and never enter his private life ?
He said though his kids are well aware of me and of all the nice places I visited. At least that means he talks about me to them.
Marty, you are the same as ever. I talk to you on my mind but less and less. It is hard to carry on with conversations as we don't share anything at present. I am doing a long tiring monologue to you. You pick up a few things that makes you react from time to time. You play my favorite songs to let me know you are aware I am in your company on the web, and then you can ignore me making fun with the foreign girls at Bo's or dedicating songs to that Jojo again as you did last night. It makes me jealous at times, but this feeling is wiped off soon as I start chatting with Jesse.
In fact, it is as if you have taken it for granted that I woud always be in your company and that we would carry on with this little game forever. No need emailing me while off work. No need reading my mails at home.I have been expecting for months you would drop me a line from time to time to let me know about your life in the Alice or answer my numerous questions. No use !I have to play the perfect regular listener even if it doesn't satisfy me at all.
Pierre is the same. He did not give the cuddle I needed this morning. Why should he bother, I am here all the same. I hated him for it and called him a vegetable without feelings. He did not mind much and gave me the usual kiss on my cheek on leaving all the way to his office.
I did an hour and a half of fitness to vent out my frustration.
Both you Marty and Pierre are frustrating me. May be your way to keep me in your power. But as I said to Jesse it is much better to hear someone to avow his love than to be kept in the waiting in vain.
Marty, you are so much like Pierre. You enjoy your own pleasure without making a single effort to fulfill my desires. You don't want to be bothered by endless questions and take life as it comes, not withstanding what I feel. You just take every moment as it comes. Your worries are the money you could make to improve your living, eating, sleeping, jump on any sports event you can come across. What a good life of yours !
The weather is cloudy today reflecting my mood. Is the sky always blue in the Bermuda Triangle ?
Inscription à :
Commentaires (Atom)