Australian Dream.

Cheated ?.

What a bad day again after so many in a row !
I have not heard from Jesse for nearly a week.
In fact, all went wrong after I had told him about what I read in his Q&A, his being lappily married and his wife and kids being all that counts in the world. Well, I spent hours checking out into his questions and answers, and he never mentioned that again. He said he was on his own on Valentine's Day as he told he was. He spoke of being heartbroken. He comforted me saying he would have a girlfriend of his mother's age, a plump one with breasts and a big behind. Most of all, the personality of the girl prevails over the physical in his opinion. He also spoke much of respecting the woman in a relationship. he said all that previous to meeting me on the web.
I realized I could be the perfect one for him and I started believing all he said to me.
But the day following my saying what Ijhad found out in Q&A, he did not welcome me as usual on resuming his work at the airport. I had to wait till late into the evening to get a first mail telling me he had to move into another department and did not access to his emails, the computers being filtered there. The first time he was speaking of his being moved into somewhere else in two months. In a second mail he said he was not married and said that to attract people's attention, and have them reply for him to gain more points.
I was relieved and decided to carry on with the relationship without asking myself anymore questions.
But during that week I only got mails too late at night to reply them. In fact each day it was just one to wish me a good night. The last I got on the Thursday morning,which means that for the rest of the day he did try to keep in touch.
I waited anxiously on the following Monday to get a first message from him and got none.
The following morning I broke down very deep, for on one hand he said he would be unable to email me being in a new department, and on the other hand I found out he was answering questions in Q&A, even saying to a redhaired girl he loved her.
Once again he had sent that one too late for me to get it before bedtime.
I waited later on in the evening of that Tuesday, as I had got nothing and he had got one point for visiting Q&A, I sent two questions of my own asking if aa life was worth being lived without love and another equivalent adding I was in despair finding love.
I got an instant email from him sounding angry that I could have written that as he had said so many times he loved me so much. He sounded till very angry in a second one and then he started sending mail upon mail telling me how much I meant to him.
I trusted him anew, though I was puzzled that he could email me all of a sudden after having told he would no longer be able to.
The following day, last Wednesday he resumed his loving messages. He said he would climb high mountains to be united to me, the sky being the limit. He wrote twice in capital letters he was ready,willing and able.
Was not it the lost beautiful thing a poor woman like me could listen to ?
The next day, after a few nice welcoming mails he said he had again to go to another department, not being sure he would have access to emails. It was last Thursday midafternoon here and since I have not heard from him.
He has never sent the picture of his he had promised me to send.
I can't help wonder that after my discovery of his pseudo marriage, he had to be in another department quite often. And he still visit Q&A on resuming work each morning.
I am thinking that it is a good way to escape from the relationship softly as I have emailed him less and less knowing he would not answer me if he ever read the messages I wrote.
I feel like having been cheated all along.
In a sense, Marty being rather nice these days, I am back as previously,still suffering he is not trying to get in touch and drop a line out of work. But, he sighed a "oh, Mary!" so explicit last Sunday and played so many songs in a row just for me. He talked to me saying I loved this boy, meaning the singer of Evermore I don't even know what he looks like. I though he was meaning himself the way he said it. Speaking of temperature he said something about hot and sweaty, still as if describing the way he was feeling at the moment.
Well, I may have been cheated on by Jesse, I still have my serious Marty.
If Jesse actually believed like this he is the worst bastard in the world, and, I, the stupiest of all girls !!!

Australian Dream.

Heartbroken ?

I spent a few bad days last week because of Jesse and it ended this morning with me breaking down so deeply I could not hold my place in my tennis team and asked for another girl to take my place. I broke into tears in front of my mates and could not control it. A very bad experience indeed.
Jesse sent me a few mails last week, short ones he said sending sneaking, for not supposed to be working on computers in his new department. I finally started believing in him anew and said I hoped he missed me as I was missing him. But he didn't send me one before the week-end. I appreciated though that he was no longer going on Q&A. I had a slight hope that he would try to keep in touch during the week-end, compensating for these days far from him. Or course, he did not. The fact that he has never allowed me to know his private email address has always been kind of a worry for me. Had he not a computer he could still go to a cyber. It is hard to believe a young man of 36 with two kids, living in the US has no computer at home. No he has something to hide. He may not be married, but, still, living with his ex or a new girlfriend. Then he is just doing office flirtation and scared at the love I keep on giving him as he is just having fun with me.
But today, I got what seemed to me as a farewell for good.
He kept on saying sorry for not being to have access to his emails but added he could still go on Q&A. He sent this one too late for me to read it last night. He said he was doing it furtively, so it was short and without any nice words. I checked out: for sure, he answered questions anew on Q&A as previously. That hurt me so much !
It sounded as if he meant being in this department for good now, telling me farewell.
I am not sure he has read all the emails I sent during these last days. He has not made the effort to look at the pictures I put with so much pain on the site of Ringo. He doesn't seem even interested in watching them. I am going to ask a question later this afternoon to see if he responds me. I did it once, last week, but he didn't go on the site then.
As I wrote to him earlier, there is not a single computer on earth.
Whether he has found a new one on this Q&A to chat with in a more cheerful way or my love for him has decided him to put an end to the relationship, or he has been cheating from the start and my saying I knew he was bragging being happily married with kids has dug a gap between us.
How could he have been spoken of his wish we should be together forever, of our future, of his true love (no lies, no fantasies) ? How could he have fancied such a life for his kids without a mother ? But how can a man so sexual potent and so young could have been without a woman for years ? This is hardly believable and cold showers are not doing the trick all the time as he seems to explain.
Love has blinded me. At least, you my Scruffy Beard, with your bad temper at times and your moody character, are no liar and act steadfastly. I will have to dig a big hole inside my mind and heart to bury that Jesse, I mistakenly called Love. It will take time, but isn't it always the case ?