Australia is so far away !!!

I am wondering if I will ever have the opportunity to go back there.
My husband is doing so fine after the operation, which is a very good thing. In some way he has realized he has to be careful in the future, especially with drinking alchohol, which satisfies me. He is less violent and more pleasant to live with. He is not allowed travelling far from home till the next visit to the oncologist's. My daughter would have liked us to spend the week-end of his 70th birthday in Barcelone, but this, too, had to be cancelled. It is of little importance if he is doing well at present. Health prevails !
There have been a few changes at Bo's. Krusty is now working on the radio with Adam, each morning from 6am. He had to give his place to Dan on Wednesdays. Sometimes Amy, also from the radio, has to do the job at Bo's.
Worse, the radio is no longer broadcast after the show is over. I had noticed I could no longer read the file of the radio on my computer after closing time, but didn't really cared for it, as Marty had left and summertime was on. I found it better to stop listening to this radio knowing he was away, and put on the Spirit radio in Geraldton instead. I knew it was not his show and had no chance to hear him, but it made me feel closer to him in some way.
Then again, I thought it was better too taking profit of the hot evenings and not stay stuck at the computer as previous.
In the past, Marty would spend over one hour at his console after closing time, programming night hours of songs for the radio. I stayed watching him and listening to what he was programming and had a few good surprises. Sometimes none, I must confess ...
I had the surprise to hear a few of "our" songs on Spirit even if I had no clue about who was doing the programming. Then it stopped, and I enjoyed the summer days more.
I had the opportunity to have pictures engraved in plastic plates last August, and had a keyholder made this way with the photo of Marty featuring on his radio page.I thought this would be a nice birthday present.
Marty was no longer replying my e-mails and still refused to have me as a friend on his FaceBook. He has added some more friends and has 121 by now, but not me !
Nevermind I couldn't prevent sending him messages.
When it was time to send the parcel to him, I added a bithday card to the keyholder along with a newspaper clip showing the French team, worldchampion in Australian football with seven players from my place. I thought he would cherish getting all this.
I checked out for the address of the radio in Geraldton and found in awe Marty no longer was on it. I checked again on the web for him in no use. Marty has disappeared. When ? I still don't know.
He seemed so happy to have a show of himself on a radio as he didn't manage to go on the radio of Alice Springs. I didn't care much as I had on my mind visiting Western Australia next, the only part of Australia I have never been to. I fancied waiting for him at the end of his show one day. But now ? Where has he gone to ?
He doesn't seem to be on any radio in Australiaz as I checked out into all of them.
He may be back to entertaining people in a club as he did at Bo's.
I can't ask anybody for the answer. Dan seems reluctant to answer any question concerning Marty and never replying to my last e-mail. I don't want to lose that one, so I won't bother him again.
Krussty is my friend now on FaceBook but not to Marty. A girl who used to go to Bo's is my friend now. Her name reminds me of the girl Marty used to dedicate my songs to as he got my requests. He did that a whole evening. I heard to Sherry, or wondered if it was not Chérie: same pronounciation. I thought he was fooling me, but wonder now if it was not a way to dedicate songs to me as he was no longer calling my name out at that time. He used such tricks before.
Anyway, I sent the parcel to the radio address in Geraldton and wrote to them afterwards as if aware of my blunder all of a sudden. I asked them to forward the parcel to Marty if possible, or letting me know to where it should be re-directed. Apparently they are not responding. The thing must have reaches WA by now.
I wrote twice Marty letting him know a parcel was on its way for his birthday. He never replied of course. I hope he has not warned the radio people to send it back to sender as simple as that !
I know I made mistakes sending him things as I did. It scared him for sure.
He used to play that song by James Morrison each time he got a present from me:
"You give me something, it scared me alright"
" You would wait for hours just to spend a few moments with me"
When he realized I had got his personal address using the white pages he drew out from them.
I can no longer find out his new one.
The only link between him and me is that FaceBook. A frail one indeed. He can't have access to my page and watch my photos and I don't have access to his. I just can send him messages I know he can read for part of them appears on Yahoo mail. As he said once he was not writing my e-mails I know he can at least see a few lines, the beginning of the message. I try to let him know the more I can in a few words. Silly !
I am aware now that if I ever go back to OZ one of these days I have little chance meeting him as I have dreamed for so long.
I know now for sure he was in love with me. This love became too strong for him to bear as he was aware he would "never be" with me (James Blunt ). Marty knows he has not the money mu husband has to provide me with the good living I have. I was silly letting him know about Paris and Monte Carlo and my meeting with stars. But I wanted to share all with him !
He called himself a "meer DJ" once. And I must have in mind how he flew away to Sydney as soon as he knew I was arriving in Alice Springs. He never took so long a vacation in three years.
He asked me once what I meant by "impossible love". I guess it was that.
I am so much older and wealthier too. He struggles for a living and I spend my time in my sports clubs, playing tennis and golf and doing fitness.
Anyway, I still love him.
I know I would not be happy living with him. He has a bad temper at times and is so much concern with work anf earning money. A tormented soul too and his Baptist background doesn't help him either.
Yes Australia is far, far away. The web is a good place but it has its limits.
I am at a loss these days. May be I will have to resolve upon turning the page on Marty. I can't still do it ...

A life of disappointments.

I think my Australian dream has come to its end.
My husband has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and will have an operation next September. The trip we were to make to Canada and the States has been canceled and I guess another trip to Australia will never be made possible. He said he was not feeling too good during our last stay and would not be able to do another long distance trip again. Unfortunately he seemed to be too right saying it.
Marty is in Geraldton by now and I finally found out on which radio he is working at present. But again his morning show is not on the web. One positive thing was to find him on FaceBook among the friends I was supposed to know. Alas he denied my invitation to join me on my page. Dan did sponteanously. But I can still be with him when I connect to Bo's. He is very present there doing more nights now.
I can't refrain from sending Marty e-mails from time to time giving him sports updates as I used to do. It was hard to watch the French Open in tennis this year not being able to share my comments with him. Same with the Tour which has just ended. He is such a fan of these two events !
I have downloaded all the favorite songs he used to play when a DJ at Bo's. I seldom listen to them by now when tuned to this site. I don't know if it is a good thing ...
My girl is here for a few weeks, but she is not in the mood of spending the whole of her holidays with us and is speaking of leaving after the 15th of August. I need her company so much especially as I am so concerned with my husband's health. But she says she has to live her own life. It is so selfish on her part as she lives most of the year far from home and she went to so many places last: Madeira Island, London, Normandy, etc ... I thought she could take four weeks in our company without feeling she was sacrifying too much for us.
What is the use of being kind to everyone if it brings you disappointments all the time.
It is hard for me to cope with all here being lonesome: no friends nor relatives to give me a hand.
Living with someone who is losing his mind, not being to be able to handle a mobile phone, nor a remote control, and who has no logic into his conversation is not easy. Marty knew all this of course, and strange enough it did me good to know he was with me for a few hours. I can't hide it, I miss him so much. I must face the truth: he has not taken me into his luggage on leaving for Geraldton.
The friends I had in Australia dropped me too these last months. Both girls were so nice for some time and I could have people to talk to and express my feelings. Gone with the wind !
Summertime and the beach to enjoy. I do have to shake myself up in some way or other. But my heart is broken for sure.

That's life !

Long time since I wrote in this blog.
Months of doubts and of unanswered questions.
I tried to get to know if you had got my presents sent to you, Marty. No use !
You kept as if you were ignoring me, though at times I could guess you were replying me in some way. I was not sure you were wearing my bracelet. In fact you started wearing this black strap on your wrist precisely at the time you were supposed to have received my parcel. And when I didn't connect myself to your site as I usually did you took it off. When I did it the previous way you put it on again on the next day. How strange !
It is a year ago since you shouted my name for the last time. Something had you make up your mind to stop communicating as you used to. The boss may be. Or even Steve. I acted silly when this one did your job for a few days. I wanted to let him know I knew plenty about your and your family and this time he was not as friendly as previous. He just ignored me. He may not have appreciated your having told so much about your private life to a regular listener.
I had to be very careful into my e-mails knowing the boss was reading them all. I stopped confiding into you as Iused to, just giving you sports updates or weather forecasts ... Very frustrating indeed.
I started to do something new: watching you leave the venue on the camera of the dining-room. I noticed you had your bike kept inside. I teased you about your biker's equipment and you started making a show putting on your helmet and gloves. This made me laughed and I wrote it to you. And suddenly the bike disappeared from the place. No more show ! I guess the boss had something to do with it again. You even waved to camera once on closing the door. I am sure it was directed to me.
Well on last Valentine's Day you said the next week-end would your last. A big blow on my head.
In fact you stayed a bit longer for the new DJ was not ready to handle the computer on his own yet. The latter still has problems with the technology but, well, he is not doing too badly, entertaining a bit like you.
I hope you would say a word to me before leaving, but you didn't. On the very last day I phoned. You didn't hang up but said you couldn't hear a thing.
You lied ! On the two following days I phoned Krusty and Dan, and they both could hear me perfectly well. You said you had chosen "Soundz of Freedom " by Bob Sinclar as a farewell song.
Bob of course ! That was for me.
I chose "Wish You Well" by Bernard Fanning instead and you played it twice on that day. In fact you changed your mind following you I asked from you. It was your farewell song. You stopped a second staring at the camera on leaving the booth. Same thing on leaving the place.
You said you might be away just for a while and that you may drop in from time to time and you said "See you soon" thrice before leaving. That gave me hopes of seing you again one of these days, but these hopes are thinning fast by now.
Dan said you had left for Geraldton, WA. I heard you say you were to have a radio show. Something you had dreamt of for long. I know you had Steve doing tests twice to take your place. That didn't work and he worked for the local newspaper for a short while.
Geraldton is 400 Kms from Perth and your family. The land of your ancestors !
Neither Dan, nor Krusty could give me the name of the radio.
It took me a whole month of tracking you down before I found out you were on Spirit. A morning show from 6am to noon.
I could see a new picture of you and could see your face for the first time ! Lol !
You may not know I have finally found out all this. I won't let you know. I have already sent you e-mails to your private address. Of course, you never replied any and won't in the future. But I will do it again from time to time. I don't even know if your read them, but I want you to know I am sticking around.
Geraldton is a sea resort a bit like my own place. It is different from Alice Springs and more pleasant to live in. The town of the desert must be boring after a few years. Not much to do save working and meeting tourists !
You are closer to your family too.
And the hours suit you better. It was hard for you at times entertaining parties late into the morning hours. You told me how it took your energy away. You are over 40 now !
So there is little chance you will ever come back to the Alice one day.
Unfortunately your show is not broadcast on the web. It is the one by another presenter which is. No chance to hear your voice again. The hours are just the ones I am fast asleep here.
I am happy though with knowing where you are and what you do.
The strange thing is that my husband said that if he ever wanted to go back to Australia it would be touring WA ! We could even plan it for next year ! Should I be able to go to the radio station at the end of your show to surprise you ? My dream now.
For the present it is a trip to Canada and the Sates ahead for me. The idea doesn't bring me joy though. I miss you too much.
Kathy in Canada is no longer bothering me with her chats about Jesse. She said at times all was over with that one but keeps shouting she is in love with me on the site of Answers. My opinion is low on that one and I was so silly chatting with this bloke. It ruined my relationship with you Marty, that I know. You didn't appreciated my chatting with another man. You were jealous and it might have given you a bad idea of me. I was so much at a loss when you said you had that new girlfriend. I knew it wouldn't last and I am sure it didn't.
You made me jealous too hugging and kissing a girl a year ago. But I am sure you did it on purpose at the time you had taken your decision to put a break to our relatioship as it were.
I am selfish in some way. You know you don't have much to expect from me. I am married and you can't bring me the high standard of living I have. You changed too when you got the photo of Laure with Nadal. Pierre asked me if I wanted a divorce to go and live with you knowing the answer. I love him, but it is hard to stand his bouts of anger and his violence especially when he has drunk ! He is mentally confused at times and that scares me much. But you are both in my heart.
I just have to dry my tears which is hard at times when I am connected to the venue. I watch the door of the dining-room when the bar is closed and feel depressed. My love for you won't go away even if you did.
I just have to wait for what the future will bring me. In some way I am still confident even if it sounds silly.